Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Uncertainty does not have to lead me to food

A new number on the scale today, 167.2. That is nice and I happy for it. But today I am concerned about the news reports on the swine flu. A healthy little boy died. His parents did everything right. He died so quickly. They say this flu is hitting people in the lungs in new and unusual ways and those with underlying lung problems are more susceptible. My weakness has always been my lungs so this does concern me. I am concerned for my daughter who also has had breathing issues and for my younger daughter in a college dorm.
I can stay away from people with sniffles and more. I can wash my hands and not touch my face. I can disinfect things I touch. And I can still get sick. I can only do what I can do. I do not control the situation and I cannot control other people. I certainly cannot control viruses and bacteria that I cannot see. How do I get through the fears of the unknown and not eat over it?
I rely on faith. I have to or I will go insane. I do NOT think "I pray, I love God, God will protect those I love and keep them and me safe." No. I am not someone whom has faith that only good things will come to me as long as I pray. I do believe that if I have faith I can endure and thrive through trials and pain. I believe faith will lead me through even the worse case scenerios. I believe there is something beyond this life that is good and that death is not the worse thing in life.
To me, the worse thing is to NOT have faith because then there can be no hope. It does not matter if you have religious beliefs or not. I am talking spirituality: a belief in more than myself. I believe I am part of something beyond my physical life. I have religious practices but they are just a fraction of what I consider my spiritual life. I do not believe the people in management of my religion are God's word on earth but I choose to have a tie to an organized religion to remind myself that I am not God.
With this faith I get through my days without living in the fears that will lead me back into the foods. Eating excess food will not help me and once I swallow the last bite it will not make me feel better any longer. I prefer not to go there today. I like having food NOT be in control of my life any longer. With the foods I give in to the fears. I am not going there today.


Lauren said...

You've gotten through the last 47 years not being able to control whether you get hit by a speeding car or walk into a building that's going to explode, let alone what the people you love do. Shit happens. You can't control it, so just let it go. You've managed thus far. Fear of the unknown is illogical. You've already been through your worst case scenario. You were 385 pounds. You got past that. Compared to that, the unknown is a crystal bowling ball. You'll never know the end result because the ball will fracture before it reaches the end of the lane. You cannot live in fear of unknown endings. Your life is a book and if you put it down just because you're afraid of what MIGHT happen in the next chapter, then you should have never opened it. I don't mean to come across as cynical or mean or antagonistic. You know how I am. I may not be the best giver of advice, nor the most validated one, and I may not be the best person to listen to when it comes to food, but I certainly don't eat out of fear of something I do not know.

Jane Cartelli said...

Ah, but I do not eat for that reason. I because I am a compulsive overeater and ANY excuse is good enough to eat. ANYTHING can lead me in that direction. It is writing it down and realizing what is going on inside my brain that helps me to put down the food.