Saturday, June 5, 2010

I do not have the answers and the Joke is on me because I already knew I did not have the answers!

I cannot bear the silence anymore. I cannot bear the pain that is breaking me down. I do not understand the pain but I know it is rooted in fear, as are most character defects. I have been struggling since January. A change in my plan of eating, medication and exercise intensity have led to a gain of 10 pounds. Five months later I have not gained. I have not gained any more and I am not fighting a daily obsession with food but there ARE days when food calls more than I would like. There are moments when I want to dive right in. I have been feeling shame about this because I have been living in other people's expectations of me: that I will gain it back. I need to get out of the heads of other people and live in my own. Of course, the neighborhood inside my head is a dangerous place and I should not travel there alone so I am inviting you to walk there with me today.

What has changed and why am I having this problem? I must be holding on to something that is causing this. What is it and how do I release it? Does my Higher Power have a plan for me in this pain - yes, always but the pain is usually my doing, not God's. It is of my own making. I usually find that God gives me quick relief when I am open to letting go of what I want and instead open myself up to expect miracles instead. Why am I in the way with this? What do I need to let go of so I can get my miracle today?

I think it is time for my magical mind to accept that I have been trying to control my food addiction and let go and give it back to my higher power. I KNOW I cannot do it. I know God can and will if I get out of the way. I want to go to Harry Potter world and shop in Honeydukes and buy candy and taste . . . .what? You may be thinking 'Okay, go to Harry Potter World and buy the candy at Honeydukes and try it and then give up sugar." It does not work that way. There will always be SOMETHING new, somewhere.

In re-reading this my mind has been opened to a new thought. Just as cheese leads me to overeat, sugar leads me to the feeling that "I can have" the foods that I cannot: cheese and ice cream and milk chocolate and such. If I have an alcoholic drink and it is enough to give me a buzz I get this same feeling of thinking I can eat those foods and so I do not drink more than a glass of wine. The buzz is not worth the struggle.

Thank you for traveling with me today in my efforts in Keeping the Pounds Off!

1 comment:

Julie said...

Hi Jane, found your blog recently and catching up in the archives. I so relate to this post - for me it was always `I'll just finish this (insert inappropriate food) and then I will get back on my food plan'. I finally realised there would ALWAYS be something else to finish off, especially as not everyone in my household eats the way I need to. And today that is fine - I am unmoved by the presence of junk food when I haven't bought it. It isn't mine and is nothing to do with me. A bit like the way my babies crying drove me to distraction yet anyone else's didn't bother me at all :)