Friday, December 17, 2010

A Gift To Be Recognized - Even If Just for Today

A few days ago I blogged about making chocolate covered cherry cookies for my brother. Yesterday I went to the store and bought all the ingredients. I found this to be hard. The items I purchased did not 'call to me' but the items all around them and around the store were screaming at me to check them out. For every item I purchased for the cookies I had to buy something to 'counteract' what I was feeling. I bought the maraschino cherries - so I also bought fresh, real cherries. I bought the chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk for the cookies and I bought myself some boxes of sugar free, fat free cook and serve pudding. I bought butter for the cookies and I bought apples and bananas for the next few days. I am not sure if this was the best way to handle it but this is what I did and I did not purchase anything 'extra' or off my food plan that was not for the cookies. 

My daughter Rory was on her way home to make the cookies and I left the butter out to soften. When she got home the butter was still not soft enough so I nuked it a minute - melting it beyond cookie use. Not a problem: they only had full pound packages of butter at the stores and the recipe only needed 1/2 so it helped me to get rid of the excess. 

Rory began to make the cookies and I learned she had never made this particular cookie on her own so I stayed in the room to "advise'. Being a control freak and a perfectionist, I ended up helping a lot and was actually touching the stuff and getting it all over me - especially when we had a funny mishap with the cocoa powder and the Mixmaster. 

The AMAZING thing about all this is that nothing made it to my mouth, not a crumb, not a lick, not a molecule of any part of the cookies made it upwards of my hands. I did not even want to taste anything. I felt the miracle of being free from the obsession to consume and I see it as a gift I was given for the moment. 

After baking and packaging the cookies I realized I made a mistake in the recipe; that it why they looked different. The icing, which is baked on to the cherries, was too thin and looking back over the recipe I found my error: I used the whole can of sweetened condensed milk when I was only supposed to use 1/3 of the can. I thought "that's funny, I always used the whole can before. Oh wait, in the past I didn't bake the whole can, we just drank the leftovers!" So the question was now: Do I make them again so that I can send him the cookies just as they should be?

Just because I was okay yesterday does not mean I can make the cookies again today. Given enough time in their presence, I certainly would eventually indulge and then the obsession of the body and the mind would take over my life yet again. No, I packaged the cookies and included the recipe and will let my brother know what is different about this batch from what he remembers. When he makes them he can measure it out anyway he wants. 

The cookies were not perfection but there was great progress. Now my brother can make them for my family up north, my daughter can make them for our family here and I can go back to making my sugar free, milk fat free, mock version if and when I get around to it. In the meantime, I am keeping the pounds off another day and that really is a gift!


1 comment:

Leah said...

Jane, I am so glad you wrote this post! I was just thinking about this during the last few days as I started my yearly Christmas baking marathon. I have probably made 11 recipes, likely over 200 individual cookies, and I have not been tempted once to try something I've been baking. It's so nice to be free of the urge to try just one... or five... or ten of what I've made.