Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Can Stop At One . . .Or Can I . . .?

Hey, who ate a piece of my cake?
 I was in a restaurant waiting at the counter for my lunch order. The counter case was FULL of all their many exceptional cakes. I thought to myself that if I could have all the cakes in that case, every one, just to myself, they might be enough to fill that void that never gets filled with food. Then I saw that one cheesecake had already been cut in half and I laughed because I knew that even with all the other cakes, I would be lamenting the loss of half a cheesecake. Even with that knowledge I had the thought in my mind that I might have just a single piece of cake. I know fire is hot. I know putting my hand into the flame will burn my hand and cause me horrible pain. Getting one piece of that cake is exactly the same as putting my hand into the fire to see if maybe this time I will not get burned and feel the agonizing pain. Maybe this time. . . 

Will one bite hurt?
I am a food addict. When it comes to the foods that cause my mind and body uncontrollable cravings, one bite is too much and an entire case will never be enough. Only another addict can understand and accept this. I am an addict and sometimes I do not accept this. I think I can be like 'Normies' and have a taste, a bite, a single serving without any repercussions to my sanity. I can't. Each and every time I tried to "just have a few, eat just one, just have it today" and then return to a life of abstaining from those addictive foods I have put myself into the mouth of a voracious dragon ready to consume my life without a second thought. 

Has any usable knowledge or wisdom come from those 'experiments', making them worthwhile experiences? This is a tricky point to make. Taking one bite and stopping 'proved' to me that I could have just one. Going back for more a day or a week later and not stopping at one, unable to stop, proves to me that I cannot have "just one". The obsession always returns to lead me back into the insanity of food obsession where there is no guarantee I will ever stop again.

Some people have been blessed with beautiful faith. They were told that one bite, one sip, one taste would be the beginning of the end and so they never have that first bite because they chose to accept it by faith. They believe it and they do not find themselves in the mouth of the dragon. I was always a doubting Thomasina. I am not someone who easily believes by faith alone. I have tested over and over and over again the flame of my food obsession. I tested it until I reached my bottom. I should not need to test it again. I cannot afford to test it again. I have done all the experiments and the results have all been the same: one bite eventually leads to insatiable eating- every time.

The name of the first bite . . . 
For this reason I can continue successfully keeping the pounds off only by not having that first bite. I reach out for help.  I do not trust my own unsteady faith to keep me safe. This is not a punishment for past acts of bad eating. This is the free-for-the-taking cure to what ails my food obsession. Not having the addictive foods clears my mind enough to work on the issues of my life that have nothing to do with food. 
Do you find yourself thinking you can have just one?



Cenandra said...

I can't agree with you more jane! I am a food addict! I have been my whole life. When people say to me, "oh one little bite won't hurt you" I scoff at them and tell them you have NO idea what your talking about.

I can't have 100 calorie snack bags around the house because I can't control myself. I keep my house clean from temptation the best I can. Yes, I still give in once in a while, but never to the old "sheri" foods.

Pretty Pauline said...

Yeah, I do find myself thinking I can have just one. And it's too early in my journey for that! :(

Jane Cartelli said...

I am trying a new idea (for me): Understanding my mental focus to food is negative and working on the positives. I want to really work at this so I hope to be blogging about it all week and I appreciate all your feedback.


E. Jane said...

I agree with you, and I also know that I am a food addict and have been since childhood. I can't eat the substitutes that so many programs (Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, WW, etc.) see as being OK to consume if you stick to the portion. I can never stick to the portion, so I need another kind of weight reduction program.