Thursday, June 30, 2011

How far is down?

Once upon a time, in 1991, I lost 120 pounds. In 1992 i gained 80 back. The following year I gained 50 more. I refused to recognize how far I had fallen. Many tears and years later I have lost over 220 pounds and I am maintaining that loss month after month. I recognize I can gain back those pounds and even more. However, gaining pounds would not be my only 'fall."

When I am in the food I can be selfish, inconsiderate, a liar, a thief, a bad tempered, foul mouthed, uncaring addict who wants ONLY to have my fix. Nothing else matters at those times. Not my marriage, not my children, not my job, not my commitments - and certainly not my integrity. Food becomes my lord and savior. I spent  years saying 'oh, I can lose it if I really tried,' one minute and then ordering in pizza and buying multiple half-gallons of ice cream. 

Changing my food life has changed everything in my life - for the better. Keeping the pounds off has pulled me out of the gutter and into life on a higher plane. I like the company. I like the view. From here I can see the abyss and it is a healthy view. I need to remember just how far I can fall. 



Cenandra said...

I second that Jane, it happens to me as well. Your doing great even with all the health crisis your brother is going through. Stay strong!

Vickie said...

such a good post

it needs to be said. but it is a message that is not often said.

what you have written is true for a lot of people, but they do not see it and they to do not understand it, when they are in the midst of it, I suppose.

I think one has to be out of the habits/lifestyle in order to really SEE the difference.

I know you are going through a tough time, sending positive vibes your way. Families can be such a joy and such a heartbreak.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate these sentiments every time I read them. And you know I share them.

But jeez, it makes me shudder thinking about losing and gaining back the 120. It is my greatest fear. I know I can lose weight - it is that keeping off that is so elusive. That can send you into that dark place. It is not just will, but keeping your head, keeping perspective, reasoning, realizing what is at stake, having the tools... on and on. It makes me nervous!

I wonder if your blog helps you keep perspective. It certainly helps other to. I think you have to be planning ahead, building your support network, doing everything possible that you can think of and never give up if you intend to win the battle for life health and happiness (by keeping the pounds off).

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you all for your continued support and comments. When I have days that I feel are a struggle I take time to re-read past comments and they help me focus on the next right thing.

Munchberry: It was the worse time of my life when I started to gain it back but I can only blame myself and addiction for not stopping the snowball before it became the avalanch of my life.
Absolutely this blog helps me keep perspective. As does the scale, fitting into the same clothes month after month, listening to the experiences of other survivors of obesity and most of all: working with people who are just starting this journey. I want LOTS of company keeping the pounds off.


Anonymous said...

I recently found your blog through Vicki's and just wanted to say how valuable each of your posts is to me. I'm not at all a frequent commentor on any blog but I'd like you to know that what you express on your pages touches me and is immensely helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences honestly and humbly. So many blogs become preacher's pulpits; yours does an excellent job at staying focused on your experience and lessons.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you for your such a beautiful comment. I hope I can always share without preaching down at anyone. Your comment gives me hope.

PS: Your daughters quilt is so beautiful. What a wonderful woman that host mom must be.


E. Jane said...

Such a wonderful post and from the heart. For those of us who have lost and gained and then lost again, or are in the process, we need constant motivation and ideas from maintainers like you. I am very grateful for your blog and for what you share.