Saturday, June 18, 2011

One Day at a Time

Thank you all for your prayers for my brother. They have amputated his remaining foot. He still has his legs, at least for now. His kidney function has improved a little. He is in amazingly good spirits - which could be due to the IV pain medication he is currently receiving. 

A part of me wants to have the medication he is having.

Thank you for your generous prayers that I continue to put my recovery from food addiction before my desire to medicate with food. It has not been easy. There is no such thing as perfection but I am willing to keep trudging. I know there are people in recovery from compulsive overeating who claim they never even have a thought to turn to food in these circumstances. That is not me. I have the thought. I do not desire the sluggishness, bloat, inflammation or everything else compulsive overeating will bring. I do want to numb myself from feeling too much because I do not want to cope with so many feelings at once. When the feelings come I have three choices:
  1. I can numb myself with a substance
  2. I can deny the feelings and food until I give in to one or both
  3. I can accept feeling the feelings
Accepting the feelings (which means feeling them) is the only healthy choice. Bummer.

I am sorting through the feelings. It is uncomfortable to do so and I realize this is because I have been in such denial of feelings that don't feel good for so long. Hard be dammed: the only way to a healthy life is  through these feelings. I want to be healthy physically, spiritually and emotionally. There is no other healthy choice.

According to different books, therapists, philosophies, children turn to escapes when it becomes too mentally painful to remain present in their bodies; they turn to food, drugs and alternative realities. Children who do not develop this 'escape plan' break emotionally and mentally - sometimes for life. For whatever reason, I turned to food. When in my life did it become preferable to kill myself with food instead of feeling the dealing with emotions? I do not know when. Today it does not matter when it started. I am not child anymore. Today I am an adult and need to respond as an adult.  There is nothing wrong with emotions and feelings. Unlike obsessive eating: feelings cannot kill me.

There is a lot of work ahead. Always more work. For me. keeping the pounds off depends on my willingness to do that work. It does not matter if I do not like it. All that matters is that I do it.

Trudge, trudge, trudge.



Lauren said...

Congratulations on hitting 30 blogger followers and 100 facebook followers this week.

love you,

Jane Cartelli said...

I love you, too. Thank you for helping me this week and always.


Diane Fit to the Finish said...

You are so wise to really analyze the "whys" of how you got where you were, and develop a strategy to keep those pounds off.

Vickie said...

So glad you posted. I had wondered, and wondered about you.

Glad your brother is (somewhat stablized and) comfortable. Glad you have this time with him.

I know you know this - but will say it any way - it is always the AFTER which bites us in the butt. Be very careful with yourself.

You are loved. And the fact that you can love yourself and be your own best friend, will carry you through this hard time. It helps greatly that you know it is a hard time. Post when you can.

bbubblyb said...

Glad your brother is ok but sorry to hear about his foot. I know for myself I have buried many things from my childhood and it is what haunts me now and drives me to food at times when I don't want to feel feelings. I do know though that stress and anxiety can damage our health too so learning some way to deal with it is also a must. It is a process and it is hard but I'm wishing us both luck learning to get through these hard times. I know writing helps for sure so it's good you have your blog. Take care of yourself you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Cenandra said...

I am so glad your brother is on the mend! Its sad, I think you told me he was diabetic.

I sure look up to you for your strength on refraining from eating! I failed last night and the weekend due to the fact I bought rice cakes that I knew I couldn't handle. Well their gone now so no more!

Jane Cartelli said...

Isn't is amazing how something like rice cakes can do us in for a night? The 'innocent' thing that used to get me was - - oh wait - everything . . . .