Tuesday, August 30, 2011

In Response to the Comments on Yesterday's Post

I appreciate your comments on this post and hope you will all keep reading and commenting. The blogger and followers who are the subject of yesterday and today’s post suffer with active food issues. We all want them to find answers and recover from the maladies. We cannot make them well. We can only share the experience of our own recovery and hope they can find a solution.

 Everyone suffers setbacks. Hell, it took me 14 years in relapse to get out of my own way and realize I could indeed recover from compulsive overeating. I have followed the blog in question for over a year. I identified with her cycles of relapse, her belief that she knew better than anyone else what she needed, and her stubborn insistence that she was on the right track over and over again. I STRONGLY identified with these behaviors from my own past history. I am a stubborn, controlling, sick food addict. I can recognize another. I hoped she would find her way.

I was saddened when other commenters attacked her for the number of children she has and for not revealing her income sources. No one has that right. We choose what we want to reveal. Those things have nothing to do with her fight to escape obesity. In terms of honesty issues, not all blogs are about being honest and truthful no matter what. However, if someone makes their blog about being truthful no matter what and then they lie (to readers and/or to themselves) what is their blog really about? 

I never attacked her on her blog or suggested anything she was sharing was wrong for others. I publicly commented with encouragement each time she said she was coming out of a cycle of binging. I emailed her privately anytime I felt a concern for her. She has never responded. I commented publicly to offer suggestions and always strived not to be critical. Her cycles keep repeating and they have gotten closer and closer together. Nothing is changing. The same behaviors are continuing.

I believe recovery from food addiction is not for people who need it, it is for people who want it – want recovery more than they want the food, more than they want to be right, more than they want to dictate the rules. This is my belief and I do not fault anyone else for their practices if they are finding real progress some other way. It is when I saw other readers were feeding on her binges that I finally saw the sickness of the whole thing. The inevitable fall that will follow. If nothing changes, nothing changes for the better. It can only get worse. I will continue to hope that she will be well. Unable to watch anymore, I am disconnecting from the bull. After this last round at the rodeo I found I needed to let go, for my own recovery. 
To be aware, identify, listen, learn, inspire, encourage, motivate, give hope and if asked, instruct and educate. This is my passion at Keeping the Pounds Off. To share what I have so generously received in recovery from food addiction - because together we do get better - if we want it. 

Jane~

8 comments:

Munchberry said...

I think I just realized who you are talking about. But if it is who I think it is, I think I had very similar feelings. I saw her going down a bad path and there were other commenters who tried to call her on it. She did not reply. Or they said "every time you do THIS (I cannot remember what THIS was) I see you going off the rails. Meaning SLAP! Save yourself. I thought reading that comment that the person was right. And I thought the blogger was going into a place where she was not going to be escaping from anything because she was not trying. Just my opinion. And she may well find her footing. I sure hope so. I am plenty wobbly, but I stay the course as best I can and try to work it out in my nutso way. Maybe that is what she is doing. I had not noticed people feeding on her binges, but boy I can imagine the temptation. That would drive me off. I cannot go there.

I go here. It is safe and supportive and informative here.

About your blog.

Munchberry said...

Yep. It is her. Lord help her.

Fatoutofskinny said...

Negativity breeds negativity........I made a difficult decision several years ago to end a friendship because of negativity from them to everything around them. Pretty soon that way of thinking infects the people around. Sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do and hope that the other person will eventually find their way!

bbubblyb said...

I agree that we have to want it to really get better. I think denial is the biggest obstacle most have to overcome, I know I've been guilty of it many times. I really think therapy is what some need (I know it helped me greatly) and then others I think they are really content with how things are even though they say they want to change. It's all a process each of us has to go through and I do have a lot of compassion for the person you are writing about still. I will continue to read her blog because I do wish her "peace with food" eventually as I wish for myself on a daily basis. But I also understand that some are further down the road than me and don't want to watch anymore.

I think you offer a lot Jane, I have appreciated your comments over the time you've been reading my blog. I do think being around others that have accomplished similar things is important because we don't all do things the same way and I do look to continue learning things about myself and from others. Thanks.

Princess Dieter said...

I found the people being snide or questioning about her income utterly DISGUSTING. Not their freaking business. Jeez!

The blog is about weight and obesity and eating issues. She's always been up front about THAT. Even when she didn't want to admit a particular number post-binge-ing, she admitted the binge-eating and gains. She's honest in the arena she has agreed to share her life with the bloggy world.

It's not a financial blog. It's not a mommy blog. She doesn't need or should have to address her moolah or her mommying.

I think there are just folks who are either 1. jealous she doesn't HAVE to work or 2. suspecting she's on public assitance and loathe that.

Both 1 and 2 are unworthy ways of approaching another person who is being vulnerable to her readers.

I like this blogger. I cheer her on. Sometimes, I'm a commenter who does the 'slap, stop taht" thing. But she will learn what she must in her journey in her time. She's not giving up.

I'm all about seeking, not giving up, and knocking down those barriers to being healthy. She's trying. I'm trying, too. I see her as a fellow sojourner. Always have. And if I see areas where she's in denial, well, I hope someone will be kind to me when I don't realize where I am going wrong. :D

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

I think that you are so wise. I love reading your insights and feel your compassion.

Jane Cartelli said...

Munchie – I know my limits. For today I have to disengage to protect my continued recovery but I hope for the best for her. I cannot watch the cycle again. A bad period is always followed by an ah-ha moment and a high bounce into everything is wonderful followed by a slip and then a binge and then repeat again. I sincerely hope that will not be the case. I will support anyone no matter how they stumble, as long as after the stumble they do not brush it off a day or two later with ‘I meant to do that. . . ‘

FatOutofSkinny – It does not matter if it is for our own good or for the other person’s benefit – it is hard to let go in relationships – even cyber ones. At least I find it hard. I gotta work on those co-dependency issues.

Bbubbyb – I find your blog so encouraging. I love your honesty. We share so many common struggles I feel you are an sister in blogland. I appreciate your willingness to seek the answers without sticking your head in the sand. I hope you will continue to read and encourage her for as long as it helps you.

Princess Dieter – They stepped over a line – absolutely. It was horrible. She is lucky to have your support and I hope you will continue to hold a mirror up to her so she can find a way that works. You used the perfect word: kind. Comments can be kind and still cut through the BS. I, too, hope that someone will be kind to me when I am going wrong.

Everyone - I am a food addict. I will never have all the answers but I will always have the ability to fall if I do something that takes me off the path of recovery. There is no guarantee that if I fell off I could ever maintain that path again. That path is precious to me. I guard it with my life because it is my life.

Jane~

Jane Cartelli said...

Thanks Diane. I do not feel compassionate when I have to turn away but I do want the best for her. There were people in my life who had to disengage from me during the hardest years of my active food addiction. Something like this helps me understand what it must have been like for them.

Jane~