Saturday, September 3, 2011

Do You Think What You Say?

If I am writing
I'm giving up artificial food, sweeteners, fats, salts and only going to have natural, healthy foods.

I am  really thinking:
I am binging my way through Whole Foods and Trader Joe's

If I am writing
I am not going to get on the scale anymore.

I am really thinking:
 I will not have to fess up to what I really weigh

If I am writing
I will not be defined by a number

I am really thinking:
I cannot cope with the number of pounds I have to lose just to get out of half-sizes

If I am writing
I will have a new attitude after my vacation and buckle down

I am really thinking
No way will I miss a bite of that cruise food or midnight dessert buffet

If I am writing
It does not matter that I gained 20, 30, 40 pounds - I have grown so much emotionally

I am really thinking
Oh f--k I gained 20, 30, 40 pounds and have nothing to show for the past year of 'dieting'

In decades of keeping journals. I have written all the things you see above (written in white) but in truth my thoughts and actions were the ones written in red. That was me for years. You know the saying "they call her Cleopatra because she is the Queen of Denial?" That was me. I could not see it for myself when I was deep into the fantasies. I really believed each of those statements at that time.

Today, to stay out of denial I share my journey with other people who are not afraid to sound me out on my crap. They know me well. We share common food issues. Honesty and integrity come first so we can remain food sober each day. My life is much easier when I am not juggling the truth while wearing the cowl of denial. My mindset is lighter and happier.  Shame and fear are lifted and in their place I have received the opportunity to laugh with others at life and at me and truly understand what is so funny.

It is a good life. I have been food sober almost five years. Each day is both a gift and a miracle for this girl. The girl who thought "I may be 200 pounds overweight but thank God I am healthy."

Want to buy a bridge? 
If you believe someone can be 'healthy' while carrying 200 excess pounds I have a bridge over a river in Egypt to sell you. . . . .  What are you saying to yourself and others? Can you recognize when you are (or were)  in a river of denial?



Princess Dieter aka Mir said...

It's not just you. I see this phenomenon with all us weight loss boggers. Before I began my current blog a year ago, if I went silent, it meant I was back to big-eating or binge-ing and lack of accountability.

When I see those phrases on weight loss blogs, I know the bloggers are full of crap. They are hiding, self-deceiving, not being accountable, and simply covering up. We have all done it, maybe still do it, maybe will do it in future. But you've uncovered the "weight loss bloggers oopsie crap talk code" for what it is: excuses and cover-ups and deception.

This is why I have a special respect for the ones who may not be doing well, may be doing really badly even, but don't hide it. Just fess it up and keep trying. One day, it will click...not everyone flips the switch the first or third or fifth time of trying. But honesty in weight loss IS the best policy. It always will be, cause no one is as good at shame, deception, covering up, and excuses making as we who have been or are obese and overeat. We're great at that.

Anonymous said...

I know I am going down a bad path when I rationalize bad decisions after the fact as a new way of looking at my diet. Like "I think I can have mac and cheese once a week. I used to have it 3 times per week, so once is a vast improvement." And... there I am making more excuses.

I know there are some things I will not eat again. My choice. Some things I am still trying to figure out where they fit in. But I know if I am trying to figure out where they fit in that it won't be once a week. I KNOW that I need to be almost an exact flip of what my old self was. Eating way too many calories every day and every once in a blue moon eating the right amount of calories to the opposite.

I also know - when sane - that some things like cake or what not won't be made by me anymore. A slice while out for my birthday - shared with someone after planning for that day calorie wise. OK.

I have to be hyper vigilant because I am not to be trusted and yet, it is not like I can say "I am giving up food cold turkey". So to speak! : )

Anonymous said...

One more thing. I posted something on my own blog about what I could and could not live with diet wise. My not live with being basically food ascetism (no fat, no meat, only certain cooking and certain carbs...) A basically simple thing of where I could not go in my life. Where most could not go as it turns out (according to the doctor that made the diet). But when I posted it, it brought out all sorts of posts that I believed to be somewhat unhealthy. One I know she is going through a terrible time so I sort of let it pass, but... sigh. I did not want to promulgate/promote/encourage such comments. I thought - do I clarify, but sigh - not sure it would be heard. Lesson learned.

Cenandra said...

I loved this post! This was me too. I noticed a few weeks ago I started denying the truth. I GAINED weight, don't fluff it off like its muscle because its not. My eating was out of control with sugar and my insulin pump was working overtime...not smart. So I got a grip and am working on getting the control back. (Upcoming posts)

Julie said...

I too love this post. This is where weighing is so important for me. If we claim our progress is `emotional', as I have done in the past, but we haven't budged a pound, then I think we are full of youi-know-what. When I am honestly doing what I am saying it is reflected in my weight. No, the number on a scale or clothing label is not the sum of who I am but for me, personally, it is a really good barometer of where I am at, how honest I am being, how contented I am feeling and if I am doing what I need to do to keep my life balanced. For me when any of those things are out of whack I gain weight where someone else might drink to excess or spend loads of money or spend too much time on the internet.

Jane Cartelli said...

Princess D-
I agree with you. I have great respect for those who stay honest about their licks, bites, tastes, slips and falls. My sadness comes when they do not get honest with themselves and then sometimes I have to let go (at least for a little while).

I hear you on both posts. I pray I will always recognize the rationalizing behvior that leads me to the wrong foods.
Your second post: It is not easy to stay quiet sometimes but I find that when I do it allows me to grow a little in a good way. I am sure your silence was healthy for you and therefore a good thing.

I am looking forward to reading those posts!

Julie -
Speaking of balance, I have to look at how to balance some new activities I have with the rest of my life. I have started getting up an hour earlier. I am not sure I like that yet. . . .