Friday, October 7, 2011

iHate

Princess Dieter wrote a great post recently that included the phrase me and my effed up physiology. Thank you Princess, for that phrase. It gave me an idea for a post on my thoughts about my freakin' effed up physiology. It is something I need to get out because these thoughts poison me in secret. If I share them I know the power they have over me will dissipate. Here it goes:

I HATE IT! I hate that I cannot have a cup of rice with my Chinese food without swelling up like a balloon. I hate that soy gives me so much gas I have to segregate myself from family and friends. I hate that I cannot have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread without wanting to eat my way through the loaf. I hate that milk chocolate and I are not on speaking terms. (sugar and milk fat trigger my addictive mind and body). 

I do love the color
I HATE that I cannot just go to a deli and order a sandwich on good bread without having hot flashes all night long. (wheat and soy give me hot flashes).  I hate that if I eat less I slow down my metabolism and if I eat just the tiniest bit more I gain weight. I hate the math. I hate the need for it. 

I HATE that my favorite foods cannot contain cream cheese unless it is fat free. I hate that I cannot eat a bite of cake without planning to hide out and eat the rest of the cake when no one is looking. I hate that I cannot try the newest Ben & Jerry's flavor, the new pizza joint down the street or the cheese plate at the party.  I hate that I get drunk from even 1 drink and cannot have a margarita because one drink releases my inhibitions and makes me amenable to eating anything (everything) in front of me. 

When I starting keeping the pounds off in 2003 I knew I wanted to do whatever would keep me from re-gaining the weight as I lost each pound. I was willing to do whatever I needed to do. I am still willing. I accept what my effed-up body and mind require. I accept I am not going to be 'cured' by the latest pill, supplement, mindful-mantra-moderation-loving philosophy. It may work for you. It does not work for me. I accept it. I do not have to like it. In fact, I can HATE it. I have the right to hate something and I am exercising that right today. I hate, Hate, HATE that what I eat each and every meal can effect my mood, my day, my life and even the mood, day and life of others. 
I love being a healthy body weight without rebounding to 180/190/200 lbs over and over again. I love being available to help people who want to find a path out of the hell of obesity. I love that food is not my first and last thought each day. I love that there is a workable method for maintaining my weight without drugs, surgery or being a total bitch. I love knowing what hurts my body and having the humility each day to accept the path I must take to avoid it. I love that I know the steps to take and have the presence of mind to take them today. 

I do not have to like it every minute of the day. Most of the time I do what I do because I prefer to live in an atmosphere of love and acceptance. When hate rears its head I have to accept it but I do not have to like it. I do not have to pretend I am not pissed. It is what it is and I do not have to like it. I cannot change what is but I can accept that my actions decide if I will be happier tomorrow or even an hour from now. 

I have freedom to choose what I eat and choose what I do each day. I could choose to eat the sugar, butter, soy and wheat but I would not be happier or healthier and the hate would become hate at myself once I stopped eating long enough to look in the mirror once more. 
iHate has its uses. But in successfully keeping the pounds off,  iHate cannot usurp iAccept. 

Jane~

12 comments:

E. Jane said...

Well said, Jane. I know exactly what you mean. I think years of obesity and overeating have screwed up lots of physiology for me: insulin production, joints, gallbladder, just to name a few. Now we have to make the best of what we have. You have done such a great job! I'm working on it too and getting better at it! Thanks for sharing.

Princess Dieter said...

That is increasingly my situation. I haven't had pizza since January. I decided that even though I controlled myself perfectly that day and lost weight that week and had ONE small slice with a salad and tons of decaf, that my brain WANTED A WHOLE DAMN PIZZA. I wanted more and more bites. I don't want to be in THAT situation. So, no pizza places. I even had bought groupons for coal-fired pizza places that I let expire (money lost) just to not suffer that, "Gimme, gimme, gimme" feeling.

The same with cakes/sugar. I say no, just cause I don't want to risk saying yes yes yes yes.

My effed up physiology is messed up from a variety of thingg--meds, age, hypothyroidism, I.r., etc--but it's stillt heonly one i've got and i gotta deal.

The math sucks five dozen dinosaur eggs. But it is what it is.

Grown-ups deal with reality, not fantasy. I can choose to eat to my heart's delight and be morbidly obese and diabetic. Or I can use self-control and sometimes radical self-control and be at a weight that lets me live.

I chose.

You chose.

And like I tell folks..no magic bullet. It's justs HARD and then a little less hard...and a little more habitual...but it's always hard. As worthwhile things often are.

Munchberry said...

You should put this post in favorites because I think it is really important to know that everyone struggles and hates aspects of what they have to do to maintain their health. Every time I read someone hates exercise as much as I do, but they do it because they have to and they do feel good from it I get a VROOM feeling. The same sort of feeling as when I read this. I like every little bit of it.

I'm gonna go see what the Princess has to say!

Melanie said...

Wow! Extremely well said. Thanks - I needed this.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thanks E. Jane!

Princess D - You had me at cheese pizza. I have been there so many times. The last two times I was disappointed in the pizza and I remember that now when I think "I can have a bite." I remember it is not even worth it.

I do not think it is always hard. Only most of the time and any holiday that takes place on a day that ends with a Y. There are blessed moments when it is downright easy and natural but then the clouds come again and it is hard. THANK YOU for being on this journey with me.

Munchie - I will do that, thank you for the suggestion.

Melanie: Keep coming back!

Jane~

Vickie said...

Your post made me wonder if this is an equal and opposite reaction thing. For as much as you 'loved', you then have 'hate' in equal amounts.

I do not have the hate thing.

But sometimes I do feel sad. I am never sure if it is 'sad for what I used to do' or if it is 'sad for what I can no longer do'. I can see it both ways.

very good post.

RedPanda said...

Oh I hear you, Jane!

Like Vickie, I guess I don't have the "hate thing" - with me, it's more of a "resentment thing".

I enjoy feeling fit and strong and I do enjoy working out, but sometimes, I just resent that I have to do it.

Last week, I went on an intensive residential training course for work. As an ice-breaker, we had to tell everyone something about ourselves that wasn't on our resume. I said I enjoy weight training and deadlift 75 kg (165 lb). I got some gasps of amazement and a round of applause (which was nice) and later, a few people asked me about my strength training. One guy asked how long I'd been doing it and whether I had always been athletic. I didn't feel like telling him my life story, so I just said I'd been lifting heavy for about 7 years. Of course, strength training is an integral part of my weight maintenance plan. Everyone thinks of me as a gym rat, but they have no idea why I'm a gym rat.

My hubby and I have been talking vaguely about an overseas holiday. He wants to go back to France. The idea of driving around the beautiful countryside, sight-seeing and eating the great food fills me with horror because that's how my weight problem really got out of control. I want to go hiking in California. See the difference?

But yeah, I feel resentment and sadness that I can't go on a holiday like a "normal" person.

Jane Cartelli said...

Vicki - When I wrote it originally I just wrote the hates/resentments. When I looked at it I realized how unbalanced it was, as a piece of writing and as a tool to help me daily in keeping the pounds off. Since all hates/resentments are based in fear I worked through those feelings and wrote the acceptance portion.

RedPanda - My mentor encouraged me to to write on what I get out of my holiday/vacations that those currently obsessing do not. Then to write on what the food did to my holidays. It helped me to let go of some of those travel resentments. :-)

Jane~

RedPanda said...

Jane - good point about the "travel resentments". My hubby looks back fondly on our French gourmandising holidays but we are not the same people now that we were then. I must remind him of this.

Also, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I come back from an active holiday fitter and thinner than when I left. I never again want to be one of those people who comes back from holiday feeling bloated and exhausted.

I must ponder more on this. Thanks!

dupster said...

So....you are saying there will come a day in this maintenance battle (that I will have been SUCCESSFULLY fighting for 6 months on Saturday) when my first and last thoughts every single day will NOT be about food? I cannot wait for that day! I wasn't sure it was possible, but it will be so wonderful not to be so obsessed with what I'm going to eat that day, with what I can't have, with the small portions I must eat, etc. etc. etc. I want a life where FOOD is not my overriding concern anymore. Where I eat to LIVE, not LIVE to eat, we've all heard that one a million times!
Until then, I will continue to prohibit, measure, and limit my desires for more more more and keep reading your blog so that I know IT CAN BE DONE!

Jane Cartelli said...

Dupster - I can only share my experience. I had been keeping over 100 pounds off when I had to face that I was STILL craving the food. I kept talking to people who told me they were removed from the obsession. I wanted that.
I saw a list of foods at a workshop. These were foods that people could obsess over. On that list was 'milkfat'.
It was then that it hit me that I could no longer deny it: I was addicted to cheese, cream, butter, etc. I had to let it go. I truly prayed for the willingness to give it up.

Two years later I found obsession returning to my mind. That is when I had to give up sugar.

So yes, the day will come - and may come several times if you are addicted. Just keep doing and keep an open mind - even if you are unwilling to give up a food today you might find the answer tomorrow - if you keep that open mind.

Jane~

Lisa said...

What a cool post! That's a shame that you can't have chocolate milk. It's such a great recovery drink after a hard workout.

iHate how I will always have to watch everything I eat, count my calories and exercise in order to keep off the 100 pounds I lost. But other people can be "willy nilly" about what they eat and exercise if they feel like it and not gain weight.