Monday, October 24, 2011

The Mother Answers

The responses to my post The Mother Question brought up a lot of thoughts, questions, feelings and opinions. Thank you for all your comments. Blogger does not have a feature that will allow me to post a reply next to each comment. So, I felt it made more sense to reply in a new post rather than to try and respond to each comment on the original page. By the way, why is that? I love blogs where the author can post a reply next to each individual comment at any time. I hope blogger works on adding that feature. Anyway, let me get to my replies and thoughts.

Melanie, thank you for sharing about your wonderful mom. I really, really appreciated the sentence at the end of your comment: I understand how difficult it can be to strike a balance between being supportive, providing insight based on your own experience, and being too involved. The entire time I was obese (and growing bigger), my mom never said a negative word. Like your mom, my mom loved and accepted me.  As to discussing healthy habits with my mom concerning food - this would be funny. My mom thinks white rice is a vegetable. . . . 

Diane, If you write the book, I will read it even better, I will buy it! I am concerned about my girls because I love my daughters and they both have such wonderfully evolved intellects - I cannot wait to see what amazing things they accomplish in their lives - and I cannot stand the idea that weight issues could hold either of them back from finding her true voice. 

Renoyou are right. If I never said another word on the subject it would already be enough. They are adult women who must find their own way so that it is their way.

affectionforfitnessI do love them exactly how they are. I just need to have my mouth match my heart. I have already put the patch over my mouth.

Maren, I could not agree more. Beauty has nothing to do with size. My girls know this about their bodies more than I ever did - which means I did something right. Did I serve time at Azcaban? Of course! That is what I call my 14 years in relapse with food. 

My daughters and I all got a good giggle out of your comment: skinny women who are arrogant unsmiling know-it-alls who look like someone should feed them a pound of M&Ms as happy pills. A few years ago, as part of my business, I took bags of M&Ms and gave them to all the Guest Service people I came into contact with in my work for a whole month. Each bag was labeled "Guest Service Remedies" If a guest yelled at you, you were to eat 2 orange happy pills, a guest allowed their child to hit you, three green happy pills, totally rude guest, one yellow and two red happy pills. Guest could not be pleased no matter what: eat whole bag. The M&M happy pills were a big hit. Once I stopped my own insane eating I ceased being a 'sugar pusher' and stopped doing candy gifts. 

Princess Dieter, I don't buy the crap, don't keep it in the house, don't cook it and do not encourage it. I've previously made the statement and now all I can do is keep the patch on my mouth unless asked to speak on the subject. If they choose to share with me I nod or hug and not take the patch off unless invited. Both girls have said to me that they love my example. I have to let go of the rest, period.

Vickie, I stopped enabling eight years ago when I started losing weight but it took three years before I got my own head on straight enough that I could be of help to anyone else. By then they were both seniors, college and high school. It is funny you would mention creativity in planning non-food activities since that is what I do for a living. We already started doing this a few years ago. For instance, it takes us over a hour just to go through our stockings on Christmas morning because we have creative themes that change each year. Our Christmas meals are as healthy as our any day meals. My company is just a natural extension of being creative at home.

My girls are both older than your kids. You (and your children) are fortunate. Gratefully, my girls have expressed that, when they are ready, they have great hope because they have my example. As to not even thinking it: that is why I wrote the post. My thoughts are only sick in secret. They lose their power when I expose their schemes to the light. I thank you for your compassion. 

Maren, thank you. It is a far cry from where I was eight years ago, seven years ago, six years ago. Imagine how wonderful I will be 8 years from now!
that TOPS lady: Absolutely. (For example), I used to complain that my husband never once criticized or expressed any uncomfortable feelings about my obesity. Yet, truly, if he had, it would have hurt but would not have gotten a single pound off me any faster. 

FindingSerenity, I like your comment "when people are supportive and loving, everything eventually falls into place." My parents smoked and told me to never smoke 'because they said so.' When I was overdosing on cookies, pizza and ice cream in front of my children I told them how terrible it was, that they should not do it, that I knew I shouldn't do it, that I did not want them to be me. . . . . I had very little credibility, even with admitting that I knew it was wrong. Thank God life it saner, healthier today.

bbubblyb, Love, love, love - IS the main thing. I appreciate you sharing your experience about your mom and how it didn't help you. I hope LOTS of moms with young children read these posts and choose love and acceptance over trying to control what will always be beyond our true control: the decisions children will make on their own. 

Anonymous asked: What words would you have wanted to hear from your own mom back in the day? My own mom never said anything to make me feel I was not accepted because of my size - until I lost the weight. Then she started telling me she wanted her fat daughter back so she could hug me without hurting me. My mom is NOT much of a hugger so this statement was both annoying and ironic. When I was a kid and obese, I wanted my mom to have THE ANSWER so I would not be a fat kid, so she could help me make it better, but she did not. Now that I have an answer that does work for me I can only share it and let go of how anyone else uses that information. 

Munchberry: Luckily that is easy. I love them no matter what. I could never do any less. If I have not shared this before and have the sure knowledge that they love me despite all my quirks, defects and foibles. I am truly blessed.

RedPanda: I love what Diane wrote, too. 

Again, I thank all of you for the comments and the emails, too. I hope other parents will be able to do positive energy with their families from reading of the less-than-stellar experiences. 

To my daughters: Thank you both for sharing your lives with me and loving your parents through sick and sin. 


1 comment:

Melanie said...

Oh no!!!! White rice isn't a vegetable??!! Heehee - just kidding. :)