Friday, October 7, 2011

iHate

Princess Dieter wrote a great post recently that included the phrase me and my effed up physiology. Thank you Princess, for that phrase. It gave me an idea for a post on my thoughts about my freakin' effed up physiology. It is something I need to get out because these thoughts poison me in secret. If I share them I know the power they have over me will dissipate. Here it goes:

I HATE IT! I hate that I cannot have a cup of rice with my Chinese food without swelling up like a balloon. I hate that soy gives me so much gas I have to segregate myself from family and friends. I hate that I cannot have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread without wanting to eat my way through the loaf. I hate that milk chocolate and I are not on speaking terms. (sugar and milk fat trigger my addictive mind and body). 

I do love the color
I HATE that I cannot just go to a deli and order a sandwich on good bread without having hot flashes all night long. (wheat and soy give me hot flashes).  I hate that if I eat less I slow down my metabolism and if I eat just the tiniest bit more I gain weight. I hate the math. I hate the need for it. 

I HATE that my favorite foods cannot contain cream cheese unless it is fat free. I hate that I cannot eat a bite of cake without planning to hide out and eat the rest of the cake when no one is looking. I hate that I cannot try the newest Ben & Jerry's flavor, the new pizza joint down the street or the cheese plate at the party.  I hate that I get drunk from even 1 drink and cannot have a margarita because one drink releases my inhibitions and makes me amenable to eating anything (everything) in front of me. 

When I starting keeping the pounds off in 2003 I knew I wanted to do whatever would keep me from re-gaining the weight as I lost each pound. I was willing to do whatever I needed to do. I am still willing. I accept what my effed-up body and mind require. I accept I am not going to be 'cured' by the latest pill, supplement, mindful-mantra-moderation-loving philosophy. It may work for you. It does not work for me. I accept it. I do not have to like it. In fact, I can HATE it. I have the right to hate something and I am exercising that right today. I hate, Hate, HATE that what I eat each and every meal can effect my mood, my day, my life and even the mood, day and life of others. 
I love being a healthy body weight without rebounding to 180/190/200 lbs over and over again. I love being available to help people who want to find a path out of the hell of obesity. I love that food is not my first and last thought each day. I love that there is a workable method for maintaining my weight without drugs, surgery or being a total bitch. I love knowing what hurts my body and having the humility each day to accept the path I must take to avoid it. I love that I know the steps to take and have the presence of mind to take them today. 

I do not have to like it every minute of the day. Most of the time I do what I do because I prefer to live in an atmosphere of love and acceptance. When hate rears its head I have to accept it but I do not have to like it. I do not have to pretend I am not pissed. It is what it is and I do not have to like it. I cannot change what is but I can accept that my actions decide if I will be happier tomorrow or even an hour from now. 

I have freedom to choose what I eat and choose what I do each day. I could choose to eat the sugar, butter, soy and wheat but I would not be happier or healthier and the hate would become hate at myself once I stopped eating long enough to look in the mirror once more. 
iHate has its uses. But in successfully keeping the pounds off,  iHate cannot usurp iAccept. 

Jane~