Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Biological, Chronological, Diabolical and Logical

Do you think your binge eating or or daily overeating is caused by your relationships? Does a day with your mother-in-law cause you to eat a dozen doughnuts after two hours? Does a trip to see your sister always end with a scream fest and ice cream feast? Are there uncles and cousins attending the same event as you who make your skin crawl and your tongue water for cookies?

If babies could talk...
In keeping the pounds off and not using food inappropriately I had to face the harsh reality that I am the only one responsible for what I ingest. I am a competent adult but now I had to act like one and practice my ability to say 'no' to myself and to situations that used to lead me into all out battles with food. In the 9 years since I dropped the first pound and kept it off, I have developed some insights into the many families I have in my life. These insights have truly helped me win many food battles.

Biological: I was born with a biological family. These family members include parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, nieces, nephews and the two daughters I was blessed to give birth to despite my obesity.

June, 2007
Chronological: I married into another biological family and over time that family became my family . They are my chronological family: my husband and his parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews and the partners of my biological and chronological family members.

Diabolical: These people are members of the biological or chronological family who I am stuck with because 'they are family.' I may have once wanted to love them but I have come to realize they are not good for me and truly, do not love me either. It has nothing to do with what they eat, drink, or do for a living. Diabolical family members pull people down. They may use anger to control others or cut people down with biting comments and hurtful manipulation. Sometimes a diabolical family member is obvious to everyone. Some give the impression to others that they are just wonderful and show their true colors to just a few.

Logical: I also have a logical family. These are people in my life with whom I am very close, perhaps closer than I am with some biological and chronological family members. These are people with whom I share portions of my life that I may or may not share with other family members. My logical family shares my life and I have chosen to be a part of theirs. Biologically, we are not family but logically, we are family, by choice.

Jane is a Trekkie
If a logical family member were to become hurtful to my life it would be logical to no longer have them in that family of friends. I have finally learned to do this with the diabolical family members as well. Without being obnoxious or cruel or in any way stooping to the level of the diabolical, I can limit my exposure to their venom very effectively by not volunteering to be a part of their world. I am not 'friends' on facebook with my diabolical family. I do not seek their company and I do not falsely greet them like long lost friends when we occasionally must cross paths at larger family events.Most importantly, I do not use any family member or their actions as an excuse to harm my body with food - not anymore.

How are you keeping your food sane when faced with your diabolical family?



E. Jane said...

Your post hit home very hard with me. My biological family is a mess. I'm afraid of some of them, and unfortunately in the past few years I have been unable to avoid them, due to my mother's illness and death. My husband's family is my "true" family. Yes, they have their quirks to be sure, but there is a tie of genuine love and loyalty that I treasure.

During the years of increased contact with my diabolical family members (my bio family), I gained a tremendous amount of weight and suffered much anxiety. I wish I never had to see or hear from them again, because they have tried to destroy everyone who has to interact with them (even their own children). This is a long story and I will not go further, but this type of family scenario is very destructive in every way. It almost did me in.

I'm still coming out the other end. This is the reason I don't share my blog with any of my family members. Total fear... Thank God for my husband's family. They have saved me.

Jane Cartelli said...

E. Jane - I am so sorry you have had such pain with your diabolical family and that they still seek to hurt you today. How wonderful that you have your husband's family to embrace as your own.

Many of the diabolical members of my families have passed on. I do not speak specifically about most of them because their children or spouses are still alive and most of them are innocent of such behavior and I do not want to say anything publicly that will mar the memories of their loved ones. I am not talking about physical or sexual abuse so I am comfortable keeping my designation of the individuals to myself at this time.

Maren said...

I have actually cut all ties with my father's side of the family (except my father).. sometimes it's for the better. My stepmother's family have really embraced me though, so I don't feel like there's any void.

bbubblyb said...

This really hit home with me and over these years of weight loss (and therapy) I have learned that I can limit my time with my family. I really have come to realize that the ones I would think of as diabolical really are just people that have yet to get the help they need healing themselves. When I type this I'm thinking mostly of my two older sisters. So I really try to have compassion for them. But I also know that I can't let them get to me either and I have to do what is best for me and my immediate family.

Jane Cartelli said...

I am lucky that my parents, sibs, and their partners are not in the diabolical family. Nor my husband's. I do have a few aunts though. . .

I do not think anyone is beyond redemption - but I think that I am beyond the strength to face another attack from some - so I prefer to stay away.

Anonymous said...

I like those categories and treat my diabolicals the same way. I TRY to keep the door cracked and if they act tolerable I TRY to make something happen - unless they are proven, tried and true full out non stop evil. Then they get a choke chain and a door between us where only I have the handle.

How do I keep food sane with them? Well, I would say I am a work in progress. I am trying to recognize that feeling I get where I want to stuff down feelings andtry my ten or so other ways I have cultivated to divert it. I win. I lose. I learn. It has at one time or another ended in the drive thru at Wendy's. I regretted it, but did not dwell in the bad zone over it or use it to then go on to really downward spiraling food INsanity.

Jane Cartelli said...

Munchie: We are all works in progress. If we weren't in progress we would be stagnant and that is as good as dead. I have overeaten when with my brother and I have left my mother's looking for all the food I could carry to the plane. I am gratful not to be in that position today. Everyday that I do not end up in a drive thru is a good day. I have even dropped 'healthier' drive thrus.