Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cookie's Food Plan

This post caused unintentional pain to another blogger. That was not a reason for the post, nor was it meant to be mean.  The foods were changed, the blogger was not named, and no link to her blog was provided. I purposely changed the names of the foods to make it not match hers or anyone else's so she would not be hurt. However, it cannot be denied that it was poorly done and it could have been handled better on my part. I do not expect the blogger's forgiveness. But I will take to heart what I have learned. 



Norma said...

If I weren't already trainwrecking my morning away with Cupcake and her ilk I'd totally demand the link to Cookie's blog.

Anonymous said...

I was really enjoying your blog. You usually give very sound advice and strong yet fair opinions. However, recently, you have been sounding very critical of others. It is still their life and their journey...and maybe they will get there and maybe they won't but that is for them to discover. It is also your choice to read their blogs...if it bothers you so much...why do you keep reading?

Although I guess if I say that then of course I also should put that to myself...that simply makes me sad because I have truly been enjoying your blog and you have educated me in many ways.

Jane Cartelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jane Cartelli said...

Anonymous -
I try very hard to mean what I say, say what I mean and not say it mean. To be as accepting (or passive) as you suggest means to enable the behavior that I myself needed someone to point out to me in my life. I did not get better by listening to people who said everything was alright and tomorrow is another day. I got better by listening to people who said enough already - today is all you've got.

I can only share my experience. My experience with being enabled nearly killed me. I am not in this for friendship and sympathy. I am in this to get well, which is an ongoing process.

Why do I read those blogs when they irk me? To remind myself where I could be again. I don't read some blogs everyday.

I try to read the winners (the truly trying, the tenacious, the ones doing it - everyday.

You decided to be anonymous so I do not know if you will ever see this but I will end with sharing this thought with you.

Compulsive eating/food addiction is a nasty, dirty disease. The disease thrives in sweetness and silence. My recovery thrives by exposing the schemes of the disease to the light.

Unknown said...

Hi Jane! I like this post. I do think that anonymous people should be examples because it helps us see ourselves in perspective.

I know who I am, my kids used to call me "blueberry muffin," which is almost a cupcake. I got that way by eating like "Cookie" does.

I undid that by eating mainly fruits and veggies. I like how you are blunt with the truth.

:-) Marion

Jane Cartelli said...

Norma - lol - No cookie for you! I do not want to disrupt your balance of wrecks or the cupcakes might fall over. I am really hoping Cookie will be get better. Hell, I did.

I am off to share an avocado with my husband now.

I think that statement needs to go in my list of things I NEVER thought I would say in any possible conversation.

Betty Lou said...

I think the confusion of Anonymous arises with the question of "Is Cookie a real blogger?" I hope not. I felt the same way as anonymous because I thought you were judging her. I know that negative thoughts destroy only myself. Judging others is my own coping skill for negative thoughts I have about myself. My negativism comes in the form of defensiveness and fear. When I compete with others, it usually reflects my own feelings of inadequacies back at me. If I make myself into someone others can admire, (not better than) I can free myself from my own negative thoughts that cause me to binge. Thinking positive equals living positive.

Norma said...

Putting one's life online in a blog (weight loss or otherwise) opens one up to judgment, criticism, whatever, from the general public. Tough "cookies." A lot of "weight loss" blogs are nothing more than food journals full of "slip ups" and forgotten handfuls of M&Ms, not-great recipes and "reasons" why the author "couldn't find time" to exercise that day. Jane didn't confront the blogger or publicly name the blogger (but so what if she did? The author herself put the information out there for the world to read.) or encourage anyone to find the blog in question and take up the subject with the writer. She observed that a weight loss blogger is listing large amounts of rather questionable food choices as her daily intake and wonders WHY someone who's trying to lose (I assume a significant amount) weight and has made her "plan" public is overloading on sugar, fried foods, simple carbs and processed meats...and thinks she had a "good" day with said food choices. I see no judgment in Jane's post; just a little confusion and dismay that comes with the wisdom of hindsight.

Vickie said...

You are one brave piece of broccoli (I couldn't use cookie, because you are not).

I have seen a lot of weight loss bloggers whose food log includes NO actual food.

I do not read them on a regular basis. I stop back in a few times a year to see if they have turned things around for themselves.

In regard to their regular readers, if they are very lucky there is one kind person who says "Ummm, honey?" and then is attacked by the 99 people who are telling her they they are exactly the same and patting her on the head. And they ALL think the one kind person is Queen of the Meanies.

Not suggesting you be the one kind person, I agree to keep it on your blog and protect the privacy of all.

But I recognize it is SO HARD to observe this behavior, especially if one has a glimmer the person really does want to pull things together and does not understand why it is not working.

I understand the need to write about this.

I understand the feelings that arise from watching this behavior from the sidelines needs to be expressed in order to sort out what is you and what is them.

You probably need a cute/clever disclaimer at the top of each of these posts so anonymous knows not to read. Like some people put up 'food porn alert'. And she can just come back the next day for a different topic. I can understand why this rubs her the wrong way the same way I can understand your need to express it.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you Norma, thank you Vickie, thank you Marion and thank you Betty Lou. And thank you Anonymous. I have learned a little something today and will turn this into a positive experience - and most importantly - not eat over it!

Vickie said...

Probably good to take it down. And I thought about myself. When I have those feelings. What you wrote was probably the first layer of the onion. And the further down layers, probably the best way of addressing it, is how it made you FEEL. Making it about you instead of her. I have had things exactly like this, where I would write and then think, there is WAY MORE TO IT THAN THAT, and write another draft. Some of my best moments (personal growth) have come out of these. So I am writing to say - do not feel that you have to shy away from these topics, just go deeper and see what it is that sort of makes you twitch as you read those kinds of posts.

Vickie said...

very glad I read it before it was gone, I learned too.

Jane Cartelli said...

I always love the onion analogy. Thank you Vickie.

Leslie said...

I read the original and did not comment, but I did find it strong, unnecessary and judgement-filled. Thought my reaction was because I struggle and am not a rockstar in the weight loss arena - yet. Also because I've commented on the rigidity of food 12-steppers, and this sounded like more of that judgemental stuff that I (though I know not you) have experienced in those meetings that I've never encountered in AA.

Kudos to you...it takes a strong and courageous woman to hear commentary on one's stuff and be able to see our own part.

Anonymous said...

Nobody lies to be hurtful. Though you are allowed to be honest. You leave off the names. At least that is how I remember it. I think it is valid to talk about activities that run counter to blogger stated intention. If it was once or twice - well fine, but when you are a weightloss blogger and you post fattening, tempting things day after day and provide "valid" reasons for eating these things and you get your devoted readers to go along with it, to drool over it and maybe lead someone to eat it. You stink.

Not you. You know what I mean. The blogger.

Sabrina said...

I feel bad for cookie because I think she's great, and if it was in fact unintentional I hope you can explain that in a way that clarifies the situation. I did notice you said you don't expect her forgiveness but you didn't actually make a (public) apology.

Jane Cartelli said...

You are very kind. Thank you.

I was blunt with the truth but it was not MY place to beat on the one struggling. That is not what I am about. There is a difference between tough love and abuse. If something I write without names can still be traced back to who it is about then I can be hurting that person. Lesson learned: If I will not say it to them directly, I do not need to write about it here.

Betty Lou:
How could I not love what you wrote:
"I know that negative thoughts destroy only myself. Judging others is my own coping skill for negative thoughts I have about myself. My negativism comes in the form of defensiveness and fear. When I compete with others, it usually reflects my own feelings of inadequacies back at me. If I make myself into someone others can admire, (not better than) I can free myself from my own negative thoughts that cause me to binge. Thinking positive equals living positive." Thank you. Gives me more to think about.

What I should have done is work through my frustration and write about that, not about the other person. I appreciate your support.

Munchie: Still, I need to remember that I am not about blasting others. There has to be a kinder way to express concern to many by using a single example. I should have done it better.

Sabrina: I made my amends to the person harmed, which she graciously accepted. The apology was made to her. The public does not require one as she was the one harmed. As to a public apology to her - that is made through future actions, not in words. Words would be cheap. I do thank you for commenting.

Anonymous said...

I love cookies blog and I yhink you were un-kind and judgemental towards her. She does what works for her and maybe not everyone agrees with it, but it is nobodys place to call her out on it....

Jane Cartelli said...

Anonymous -
Forget the blog - I love the blogger. I ask you one question: is it working when we gain 20 pounds? I am grateful that people pointed out to me in MY journey that what I called 'working' was simply the easier path. Easier didn't work. Easier led to me gain and pain.
Thank you for your comment.

Mary said...

We're all imperfect but I see you "trying to practice these principles in all of your affairs." Well done.