Friday, March 16, 2012

Integrity Means No Jail, No Warden


 My husband supports me. He does not bring my binge foods into the house, even if they are free; even if they are his favorites. If he is in the mood for something he knows could cause my wandering appetite to lust after - he calls home first to see if I am in the right frame of mind (some people call it a fit spiritual condition). If I am having a tough day or feel it will be hard to have it in easy reach, he doesn't bring it home and chooses to not have it for himself because that is his choice and because he is not the food addict. I am. 

He is also not my warden. If I say I am in the mood for pizza or Chinese food or something else he knows is not on my daily food plan, he will raise an eyebrow; he might ask if I am okay. What he does not do it seek to control me. I make my choice. He allows me the dignity of being responsible for myself, even if I am making a mistake. He is not responsible for what I put in my mouth. I am. If I said 'let's go get some ice cream,' he would be in the car faster than a tornado can cross a street. He knows it is a strong trigger for me, but ice cream is something he enjoys. It is not his 'job' to say no. In my low moments I have thought 'if he loves me he will see this is wrong and seek to stop me.' That is bullshit. I cannot have it both ways. I cannot be responsible for what I put in my mouth or have the dignity of making my own choices, mistakes and all, if I also expect someone else to take the food out of my hand and tell me 'no'. No one else is responsible for my choices. I am. 


Chinese symbol for Intergrity
I have a mentor who talks with me about all issues having to do with overeating, food, awareness, recovery, growth, etc. My mentor does not decide what I can eat or when I can eat it. I have to live with the integrity of my decisions always - not just when it is a good day and not just when it suits me to be responsible for me. It must be always. If those decisions are wrong then hopefully I will learn from them and continue to recover. If those decisions are decided by someone else for me then I will have no integrity in my choices and I will keep repeating the process without growth. 

Jane~


7 comments:

Maren said...

I like this post. I feel like my husband is a great support, but not my parent or "guardian" in regards to what I eat and not!

Melanie said...

My poor husband has probably had some tough times over the years trying to decide what to say/what not to say. It's hard to watch someone self destruct, but it's also difficult to find balance and not become a jail warden. Your husband has found the right balance - that's fabulous!

P.S. Thanks for the comment, and I appreciate the accountability. I hadn't posted in a while, but fortunately it was due to being busy not hiding out because of unhealthy eating or binging!

Melanie said...

My poor husband has probably had some tough times over the years trying to decide what to say/what not to say. It's hard to watch someone self destruct, but it's also difficult to find balance and not become a jail warden. Your husband has found the right balance - that's fabulous!

P.S. Thanks for the comment, and I appreciate the accountability. I hadn't posted in a while, but fortunately it was due to being busy not hiding out because of unhealthy eating or binging!

Munchberry said...

I think my husband and I have a fair understanding of how things should go. He likes to point out that he knows I have eaten something. That annoys me. I crumple my face and tell him that I account for it and he needn't worry. On the other hand I have finally started to take responsibility. If I want him to do something for me or to act in a certain way I do not ask him to be a mind reader or to have a perfect memory.

Wishful Shrinking said...

I love this post. I try very hard to not ask my husband to do a job that is not his to do. Being my husband is a big enough job I do not ask him to be my sponsor, my best friend, my parent, my child, my whipping boy, my counselor,or my life coach. If I put him in these other positions it really take away intimacy from our relationship.

Jane Cartelli said...

Munchie - I was mortified when someone would catch me in a food behavior I was hiding. Usually I would then eat more out of guilt and shame.

Wishful - You are right. It takes away from the intimacy and we do not want to lose that. Not ever again.

me said...

OH this is EXCELLENT!!!!! You've taken the fine line of it all and made it perfectly sensible. Maybe we should all have our families read this!!!

That being said, I did ask my children to stop offering me food, because it was ALL.THE.TIME and over and over and over again after a no, thank you, with EVERYTHING they put in their mouths. I hope it's an okay balance to also ask to kindly please stop doing that....