Saturday, April 21, 2012

Do Not Talk to Person with Spinning Head

For those who need a user friendly guide to Me:

If my head is spinning around, turning green and wrathful things are spewing from my eye sockets and mouth - do not stop to offer me advice or suggestions. RUN and talk to me when I wind down. We will all have a happier day. . . . 

This will be the first line from my yet-unplanned-never-to-be-written marital relations book.

My husband made the innocent mistake of asking me what was wrong when he saw I was frustrated with something on the computer. Since I am not mature enough to say "don't worry about it. It has nothing to do with us. Let me kiss you good bye and have a great day at work," I responded with "website issues on my business site." I responded verbally with that. I understand that my face was a mask of hate illuminated in the glow of my lap top's screen. 

My darling man cannot stand it when I am upset and feels he has to do all he can to help. He made an innocent suggestion that I should change hosting companies if my current provider is not going to satisfy my needs. I started to take his head off with how that was not an option right now and certainly not the easy option. It seems my voice escalated. When he went to respond I stopped him and said "Let's start over. This is one of those times when do not want advice or suggestions or help. I just wanted you to hear me and let it go. 


I knew better. I should have not even said anything was wrong. It would have been better to refuse to divulge. Now he felt I was pushing him away as an annoyance. He was on his way out the door. He knew I was annoyed. He thought he had a workable solution. His need was to impart his kernel of wisdom (that kernel word is making the rounds on the blogs this week, notice?) and feel that he helped his spouse. 

I just needed him to leave me alone to have my hissy fit with the hosting company and move on. 

We both had needs that were not being met at that moment. The difference was I knew he would get over his and he was worried I would eat over mine. 

I didn't eat over it. The thought didn't even cross my mind (miracle of miracles). It was not wrong for him to be worried. He knows my history better than anyone. He knows what triggers me. He knows that in (my) panic mode my addition seeks out a fix. He was concerned. I think he wanted to be the fix and protect me. I know it started out in love. I am sorry it became a wound because of my insistence on being left alone with the issue. Happily, it ended with just as much love as it started, and it ended without me reaching for (or consuming) food inappropriately.

Like marriage, keeping the pounds off is a continuous work of action and love and commitment and, because we choose to make it so, it is a work of laughter and fun, too.

How do you deal with someone wanting to help you when you want to be left alone? Can you recognize when alone is not the best choice for you today?



Unknown said...

Hi Jane! Men invariably want to solve problems. They're just wired that way. They seriously can't help it.

:-) Marion

Jane Cartelli said...

I know. :-) I've read that book Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus.

KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

I am laughing my toukas off over here because not only did I use an Exorcist photo on my own blog recently, but I when it comes to computer problems, that's when I completely lose it...drop F bombs all over the place and turn into a snarling beast. And my dear, dear husband just wants to help and all I want to do is snarl and hurl things. But I am getting better and he is too. He understands that I need to snarl...

Cathy Yonek said...

I was an only child, so I do not accept "interference" well. I am totally unreasonable.

Jane Cartelli said...

KCL - That IS funny. I forgot to mention the F word. It was popping out of my mouth during the week but not during the morning of that disagreement. - Snarl, that is what my husband says I do. LOL

Birchgirl - The first step is admitting we have a problem. . . .

Vickie said...

We both had needs that were not being met at that moment. The difference was I knew he would get over his and he was worried I would eat over mine.

As I read, I didn't even think of that.

I thought - what will Jane have to do to fix the computer problem? will Jane have to call in a computer guy?

I didn't think of you eating over it.

I didn't think of my eating over it (and believe me when I say I was dealing with computer problems too).

Eating as a response did not even cross my mind for either one of us. And I realized if other people would have written your same post, that is where my mind would have gone immediately. Oh, honey.... would have been front and center in my mind.

I know we (both) could have and still could (AFTERS do bite) but I focused on the issue. Real progress. And thank you for writing this post, would not have seen the progress if you did not.

Jane Cartelli said...

Vickie - thank you for thinking that way. It is true: we have rewired our brains one day at a time to react without reaching for the pacifier. At the same time, I (we) stay aware that we do not even need an excuse to pick up the wrong foods. We could always manufacture one.

Hugs on all your computer work this past week.