Friday, June 15, 2012

Ochon, Ochon, Ullagon O!

I thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and comments. Your support has helped me through these past couple of days while the shock held back much of what I was feeling, although I thought I was feeling about as low as I could get. 

You think the pain is at the peak and then BAM! It wrenches your gut and you feel the waves building over again and crashing down even harder. That is what loss feels like. In the midst of the agony there are moments of sweetness and even laughter, but then that pain comes down again. When I wake up each morning I have a moment or two before I remember. When I do remember my mind reacts with a fog of shock. Perhaps the shock is there protecting me until I am fully up and cognizant of my world and able to apply whatever tools will help me to take the next breath, answer the next need, form the next thought. 

I go to sleep at night thinking I am suddenly old and an orphan to boot. Then I remember how blessed I was to have my mother as long as I have. My husband lost his mom when he was thirty-three. Yes, I have been blessed with time. It is still not enough. Then again, one hundred years would have not been enough, would it? 

Today we are coping with what has to be done. Due to many circumstances, her service will be in a few weeks. We will be using this time to get her affairs in order. We three siblings are doing our best to help each other through this emotional ordeal of a roller-coaster that is booby-trapped with stressful landmines and pits of despair. There is much to do and three very different personalities all stepping up to do it. We are working together and Mom would have been proud (and incredulous).

If you are wondering about the title of this post, that is an old Gaelic phrase of mourning. No, we are not Irish. I only use it because it is from my favorite book and it is used to describe the painful morning of a loss too great to bare in quiet. I understand it today.

Jane~





11 comments:

Kelliann said...

Love and prayers to you.

affectionforfitness said...

I'm thinking of you.

:-) Marion

KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

This is exactly how I felt when my father died...exactly. It's such a whirlwind of feelings...in the end, I realized that it was about riding the feelings, like the waves they are, rather than resisting them, that helped. You will survive this...you can not be destroyed. I continue to keep you close to my heart...hugs.

E. Jane said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. When I lost my father, it was so painful--less so with my mother, but painful nevertheless. It still physically pains me to think about them, but I do so every day, and my dad's been gone for 18 years. No one ever tells you how much you will will your parents, but such is life.

No matter how old we are, when we lose our mother, we are still a motherless child. The same could be said for losing our father. Bless you and prayers are coming your way.

Karen said...

Thinking of you tonight, Jane. Prayers to you and your family.

I admire you for feeling your feelings. Grief is part of life. Doesn't feel good, but you are doing great! Hang in there.. Karen P.

Munchberry said...

So glad you got a chance to be with your mom recently. When I read about your mom I forced my husband to make a reservation to go home in July.

Be well my friend. My prayers are with you and your family.

Joan said...

This ordeal is still ahead of me. No matter when and how it will come, the only thing I am sure of is that it will be too soon. I hope writing about this is cathartic for you, I know it is of great benefit to me. We would always want just a little more time. Thinking of you, and praying for you and your family (and wishing you strength in your dealing with the siblings... Irritation could prove just as much of a trigger as grief).

Vickie said...

How are you doing?

Jane Cartelli said...

It is still in the 'it gets worse' stage. I do not know what I would be doing or how I would be doing, if I was using food to cope. I am crying, hurting, and sometimes whining but I able to feel whatever there is between anger, sadness, acceptance, love, loss and even joy only because I am not using food to numb from anything.

I will update in a day or two. The service will not be for two weeks. The next two weeks are uncharted territory in the sea of family interactions. Keep me in your prayers. I went to church today and did not feel any spiritual uplift - the deacon's homily was so political and biased I did not feel anything except annoyance.

Vickie said...

I had one homily where I was tempted to leave (it was political). And the priest who spoke at the baccalaureate dinner (not the mass, but the dinner) was very political too. Do not like it either. I like to be able to relax and picture angels flying through the archways.

Dennis said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Mine is getting up in age and I'm really dreading the day that I have to deal with this. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us though.