Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Monthly Assessment

If, someday, I drown in a river, I do not want it to be in Denial.

On Monday I met with my mentor and we went over my food from since my mom died. We discussed my food right before my mother died, too. There was concern about some of my choices in New York and since coming home. The question came down to this: even when I am not compulsively overeating foods, am I still using food in any way other than nourishment? I do not mean as in enjoying a favorite fruit or a bite of my husband's dessert. I mean using it to avoid, numb or delay.

The answer is yes. I didn't realize I was doing this - that it was a change in my behavior. As long as I accounted for it, I believed I was okay but it really is the start to a slippery slope. I have to look inside at my mental mirror and accept that a change is necessary now, before it becomes a problem for my mirror, mirror-on-the-wall.

When I returned home three weeks ago I brought things that were my mom's. I have barely gone near them. they still sit in the containers we used to bring them home. I have the stack of condolence cards to be gone through and acknowledgments to send. I am avoiding something there. I do not know what. Perhaps the finality of it all? When everything I 'gotta do' is done, am I afraid to be left with only the grief to work on?

In other matters: I was re-reading my Food Plan page that has remained on this site without an edit for over a year and I gotta tell you: I think my 'voice' that comes across on that page sounds like a pompous ass. Part of it is that I have changed some things since then, so bits do not ring true (to me) anymore but the other part is that I just 'sound' like a neurotic food-Nazi who needs a shift kick in my deflated tush. There is an anonymous comment pending I have wanted to have time to respond to and I will do it with re-writing the food plan page.

Anyway, I will be re-writing it soon and will be including the shocking obvious and redundant revelation known fact that I do not know everything and I am not perfect.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking, 'shocking for who?'



Vickie said...

I think, as we continue our processes, we gain a lot of maturing/learning.

I know I see a lot of growth in myself even in the past year, and huge amount of growth in the last 8 years of my process.

I also find, when I read something I once wrote, that does not sound like myself, often I was reacting to something else.

There was a catalyst.

I know you have said there have been some blogs you have had to stop reading because of enabling/codependency behaviors.

It might be that for some of the posts that now make you cringe, you came over and wrote in your own space after reading something on those other blogs.

So if it sounds 'strong' to you now, it might actually have been very wise of you at the time.

You were taking yourself to your own backyard and then reaffirming what you do and why you do it.

I also think once we stop an activity (cleaning out your mother's apt for day upon day) it is hard to go back and finish.

My own last 20 lbs comes to mind.

So, yes, it might be some grief or emotional thing that keeps you from finishing the last of your mother's stuff. But it also might be plain old momentum (an object in motion, an object at rest).

KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

I don't think there's anyone alive who doesn't look back at something they once said or wrote and cringe :-) I can raise my hand several times on that front.

What's so powerful about this post is your willingness to be so objective...more and more I think that's one of the big not-so-secret secrets of success for this whole journey.

Caron said...

I probably looked at your food plan when I first started reading your blog but promptly forgot about it. I think you're being very hard on yourself with the "pompous ass" part, but if that is helpful for you, please continue.

I'm glad you have a mentor to help. I think that is a great thing. :)

Karen said...

I think it's very smart of you to have an outside person asses your journal. The second set of eyes can see things that we can't. Always see.

Weight maintnence is a dynamic, never ending process. Just like management of a life long , chronic disease. That's how I think of it, anyway.

Take care and glad you are reassessing.

Mir aka Princess Dieter said...

One great thing about blog pages is that they can be edited. You wrote that page in a point in time with a, maybe, different attitude/tone-of-heart than you feel/are now. So, yeah update. why not? I think it's wonderful you are humble enough to hear a mentor's advice, correct YOUR own self as needed.

Losing a mom is...traumatic. I gained 35 pounds in the 8 months my mom was dying excruciatingly horribly. I fell into a nearly 4 year long depression. A monumental tower of strength? For her, I was. For me, no. God comfort and keep you as you grieve..and heal bit by bit.


Norma said...

I was called a pompous ass the other day by some anonymous commenter on a forum where I said that I didn't feed my kids fast food or soda or cereal, etc. Whatevs...

I'm not sure if I ever did read your food plan; I will check it out before you revise it. :) A lot of people are scared of having high standards for themselves and holding themselves accountable, Jane...but I know you're not. So your confidence in your decisions and commitment to living up to your demands for yourself may be more than some people want to hear, because it makes them call into question their own lack of effort.

As for being father used to say, "Why use a scalpel when you can use an axe?" ;)

Anonymous said...

How did you decide that you were eating things to numb?

Let the stuff sit there. If it bugs you, move it to the closet and deal with it when you feel you want to or can. Condolence response should be done and it might help to get things moving.

And just a reminder. You have been thru a lot. Try to ease up on yourself. Really.

RedPanda said...

Weight maintnence is a dynamic, never ending process. Just like management of a life long, chronic disease. That's how I think of it, anyway.

That's exactly how I think of it too!

ilovesf said...

Thank you for your honesty. I am new to your blog. Reading your recent post of 7/25 reminded me of when my mother passed away. It took me a year to order her headstone much to the anger of my aunts. However, what they couldn't understand (and I didn't realize) was that it was the last thing I would ever do for her and that was what was stopping me.

My heart and prayers go out to you.
Your post is helping me see when I am eating (even healthy food) because of anxiety and not dealing with the problem.

Vickie said...

give yourself a lot of credit you can work with your sponsor and hear honestly without feeling and then acting defensive.

It sounds like you embrace reality as simply what is, and that is the path to a much happier, simpler life (in my opinion).

Vickie said...

It also occurred to me if you read something from a year ago with a different set of eyes, that means you have grown/matured in the past year. I have grown hugely in the past year. I relate.

Lolly said...

I am so happy that I found your blog tonight! You are such an inspiration! I just started my own blog to document my weight loss journey. I have well over 150 pounds to lose.

I have probably lost and gained 1000 pounds in the last 20 years but this time I am determined to get it right.

I'm off to read some more of your posts. And I want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your mother.


Jane Cartelli said...

Vickie - that is so true today. I can see growth from the past year and I can see where I was hiding from things a year ago, too. Long time ago a threw out old diaries from when I lost weight (in the 80's and 90's) because it hurt to read what I had written losing weight when I had later gained it all back. Something I can understand today is that I grew in pounds but not emotionally or mentally. If anything, at that time I had regressed. There was the pain. I only saw it in the weight gain but the pain was in how I had limited my life and my mind.

Karen: It is a never ending process as long as I am keeping the pounds off. I will take that over death of my soul due to food and obesity.

Mir/Princess: Hugs back at you. I guess there is no easy way to face this loss, no matter what our experience has been. I remember being the support when my MIL was dying. I supported everyone and I nearly killed myself gaining almost 75 pounds in three months time. I am grateful I do not have to hurt myself today.

Norma: I will never understand how someone who makes intelligent, healthy choices for their minor children can be called anything other than loving. When I would not give my toddlers candy, my husband's relatives fed it to them when I left the girls in their care. . . I never left them in their care again once I found out what they were doing. When I told them why I was called a selfish bitch. I have to remember: as sick as my mind may be sometimes, there is always someone walking around with less working brain cells than it takes to form intelligent life.

Munchie: I knew there was a problem the day I wanted something and could not have it because I was already at my allotted totals for the day - and I did not let go of wanting it or whining about it. Then, when I was given the opportunity to have 1-2-1 time with a loved one the next day, I picked a plae where I wanted the choice of food at that meal over getting together with that someone who would be close and personal with me. It was a way to not have to be too personal - I would be absorbed into the food.

The food itself was becoming more important than the reason for the food. Once the desire for any particular food becomes more the focus than the meal itself, I need help.

RedPanda: Always nice to hear from you!

ilovesf: I am glad you posted. Thank you for sharing about your experience. My brother and sister were handling the placing of the ashes into the 'eternal condo' last week and as much as I knew I did not have to go back up to NY for that 15 minute occasion, I was sad about it, and anxious and it added to my wanting to be numb. I still have some things I think I am doing for my mom, but they involve living amends and will go on for some time. I do look at them positively.

Lolly-I hope you will be coming back to commenting more now that you are here. I would like to hear more from you.

Vickie said...

How did things go over the weekend? Feelings going into this week?

Jane Cartelli said...

The weekend went well. The week is going well. I am so busy with work - the busiest month so far this year at work will be these next two weeks. I have to make sure I do not use work as a way to numb either. My mom's birthday would have been this coming Sunday. I am keeping that in mind when I make my food choices.

I got the thank you cards done and most are mailed. I am waiting for addresses from my siblings for their attendees. I did put some things away. I tossed out a few things that I realized were unhealthy to hold on to anymore. All in all, it is a little bit better. Thankfully, the food is good. I just looked at it from a new angle.

I may or may not get to post much between now and August 9th but I will post if I am not okay.