On Monday I met with my mentor and we went over my food from since my mom died. We discussed my food right before my mother died, too. There was concern about some of my choices in New York and since coming home. The question came down to this: even when I am not compulsively overeating foods, am I still using food in any way other than nourishment? I do not mean as in enjoying a favorite fruit or a bite of my husband's dessert. I mean using it to avoid, numb or delay.
The answer is yes. I didn't realize I was doing this - that it was a change in my behavior. As long as I accounted for it, I believed I was okay but it really is the start to a slippery slope. I have to look inside at my mental mirror and accept that a change is necessary now, before it becomes a problem for my mirror, mirror-on-the-wall.
When I returned home three weeks ago I brought things that were my mom's. I have barely gone near them. they still sit in the containers we used to bring them home. I have the stack of condolence cards to be gone through and acknowledgments to send. I am avoiding something there. I do not know what. Perhaps the finality of it all? When everything I 'gotta do' is done, am I afraid to be left with only the grief to work on?
In other matters: I was re-reading my Food Plan page that has remained on this site without an edit for over a year and I gotta tell you: I think my 'voice' that comes across on that page sounds like a pompous ass. Part of it is that I have changed some things since then, so bits do not ring true (to me) anymore but the other part is that I just 'sound' like a neurotic food-Nazi who needs a shift kick in my deflated tush. There is an anonymous comment pending I have wanted to have time to respond to and I will do it with re-writing the food plan page.
Anyway, I will be re-writing it soon and will be including the
Yeah, I know what you are thinking, 'shocking for who?'