Think you cannot hit a lower bottom? Trust me, you can. I can . In fact, I did it several times. I lost over 120 pounds and thought I could never gain all that weight back. Then my world fell apart and I used that as an excuse to eat. I gained not only the 120 pounds but an additional 65 pounds. I lost almost 50 pounds and saw the pounds start to creep back on again. Same at 150 pounds. There were lots of lower bottoms. If I thought at all, it was always "I just need to eat to get through this . . . " It was the name of the food game I played. I always lost.
As long as I live, I can never think I have reached the lowest possible bottom. I hope to never experience one, but a lower bottom is always possible. If it were impossible, we would not have 1,253 diet books, one hundred seventeen different versions of gastric-bypass operations, and clothing with elastic waistbands.
Not today. Today I am reminded that it does not matter what happens in life, I cannot eat over it. If I choose food over dealing with the emotions, the actions, the pain . . . . I choose to seek a lower bottom. I use to say that the true test of whether or not I can live through misery without bringing food into the mix would be when I faced tragedy and loss. Well, these past two months I have felt like I was facing hell without my watering can. I had some financial setbacks, some health issues, and lost my Mother and my cousin all within an agonizingly short amount of time.
I didn't use food to get through it. I didn't use food to numb myself from feelings, or distance myself from people. I kept remembering what I once heard said to alcoholic who was dealing with a horrible tragedy. "I know what you are thinking and no one would blame you if you did, but I hope you won't.
Either I have enough financial resources to meet my needs or I don't. Either I have perfect health, or I don't. I just don't eat over it. Today that has to be the most important thing. When it is not the most important thing, it becomes the only thing - an insidious thing. Oh, there will be a veil of suffering over a loss of a job, a limb or a loved one, but once the addict uses food as a drug, it becomes all about the food. I am not being dramatic. This is the reality of a food addict.
Losing my mother was earth-shattering in my life. If I had picked up the food I would still be numbed to the worse of the feelings. They never heal when we are using. The just fester until we stop. leaving wounds open for the day we put the food down. Not using food, I am experiencing the loss in real time, without damaging my body and soul. In return, I am finding amazing strength in healing without food. I have newborn respect and love for my siblings that was not always appreciated in the past. It would not be so if I was face down in a pizza. When I pick up food, is cronies come too: resentment, anger, selfishness, entitlement, loathing and self-loathing, deception, useless fears . . . . They always come when food is being used as a drug.
It has not been always easy these past six weeks and I have not lost any additional weight but I am still keeping the pounds off. In happy/good times or in sad/bad - it does not matter; is a food fix ever worth bringing crap and cronies back into your life?