Thursday, August 2, 2012


Do people go back and read their own posts when they are in trouble? When I felt I was in trouble I'd go back to my paper and pen handwritten journals written in the b.c. Diary period (before computer) to try and learn, understand and change. In reading old entries and posts I would see my cycles and this got rid of the plausible deniability that came in defying the truth when I was on the path of overeating or a binge, cycling toward it at full speed. Remember: when we plead ignorance of the past, we are doomed to repeat it. When we pretend knowing the past is enough to keep it from happening again, we are doomed to repeat it.

Doomed is a strong word. Some people hate it or deny their food issues are so bad. That was my cycle. This is a strong disease we are fighting. Get over the term and look to what is important.  Here are the 8 signposts up on the cycling path. Eight because the figure eight is a sign for eternity. These were me. That is the life I led for many months and years. Even when I re-read entries and saw my own experiences and understood (kinda), what I was doing to myself, I stayed on the same cycling path again and again because I could not see the path. I had plausible deniability, which is really just blind unwillingness to be honest with myself about my actions and their results. 

  1. I am doing well, I am strong, I am past this. It is a great time to (fill in with celebrate occasion or go on vacation) - but I will certainly do everything right while I am celebrating/traveling at least most of the time)
  2. I have a plan and I followed it thought about it much most some of the time and it is okay that I went off a bit because I was (vacation/celebrating)
  3. I had a wonderful time. I was not perfect but that is okay. I haven't gotten on the scale yet because I am sure I gained a couple of pounds but that's okay because I will not let this become my life.
  4. I am hanging in there. I just need, like,  2 or 3 days to ease back to my normal food and exercise and I will be as good as new, right as rain, fit to go. Did you see this recipe for lemon butter cookie cupcakes? 
  5. Why is this so hard? Why can't I stop eating junk? Why can't I focus. Why do I feel so bad?
  6. I struggled, but I am past it. It only took two, three, six weeks to get back on track but I gained so much growth in my emotions and I feel really good about me today that it is okay that I am up 10-15-35 pounds because I know this time I will lose it for good. (smiley faces)
  7. I am never repeating what I did when I was (fill in celebrating or on vacation)
  8. I am doing well, I am strong, I am past this. This is a great time to (fill in vacation or celebration) - but I will certainly do everything right while I am . . . . . . . . 
That was me. I am not criticizing anyone who is on their own well worn cycling path. I am not making light of your pain. I am not chastising your version of plausible deniability. This is my life as I lived it in food addiction. I write about it here because if one person can see themselves in my behavior and find a way to get off the path, it is worth repeating my story. 

How did I get off the cycling path? It wasn't easy. It is a war and ALL war is based on deception. I had to deceive myself into doing it. I had to act myself into a new way of thinking. I had to stop eating the addictive foods and trust that my mind would follow my body into wellness. I had to do it every day. Day in and day out. I had to ask for help and then accept help when offered. I had to not stop. Loss of momentum is deadly in this war. Thinking I can take a break is a deception. 

When it became my new way of thinking I was on my way to getting better but I can never again take the path of plausible deniability. Addiction is not something that is cured. I will never wake up and find that today it is okay for me to eat a whole pizza or a dozen cookies. I may never manage to have a single cupcake without bringing back the cravings for more and more and more. Maybe you can - it has not happened for me and I do not know if it ever will. Do I want to take that chance today? Is it worth it to have a cupcake? 

Keeping the pounds off my body has worked because I stopped repeating my old cycle and replaced it with a new one. 

  1. I am well because I do not to eat the foods that weaken me when I am under their power. 
  2. I have a plan and I follow it even if the 'other' food is free, plentiful and to-die-for
  3. Perfection is not the goal. Honesty with peace of mind + body is the goal
  4. No additional days of my life need to be wasted on recovering from the wrong foods
  5. I do what I have to do to be open, honest and willing so I can be well
  6. Life is a gift with an unknown expiration date. I do not lose days to food
  7. I do not lose today waiting or whining for tomorrow's food
  8. I am well because I do not eat the foods that weaken me when I am under their power. 

How have you broken your cycle? What new cycle is working today in your life?



Vickie said...

darling your first list of 8 described most of blog land. . .

And as I read this post, I thought about Debbi.

She is a blogger and a member of AA.

She accompanied a friend to an Al-Anon meeting (Friends and families of problem drinkers find understanding and support at Al-Anon meetings.) many years ago.

I think Debbi just sort of went to the meeting accidentally, like they were going somewhere but the friend wanted to go to her meeting first.

And as Debbi sat and listened to the meeting, she realized they were talking about HER.

Not talking specifically about her, but talking about alcoholics and in that moment, she realized she was an alcoholic.

Norma said...

AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGG post, Jane. As Vickie said, you just described 95% of the "weight loss" blogs I get caught up reading, which would be more aptly named "sort-of weight maintenance at 50 pounds above my goal blogs" or "excuse blogs." Linking to this, if you don't mind. A LOT of people need to read that and see themselves.

Janis said...

I'm a lurker here, but I just wanted to say that this quote:

"When we pretend knowing the past is enough to keep it from happening again, we are doomed to repeat it."

-- is something I've been waiting to read all my life. Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

I sometimes reread a post from my blog when I am trying to remind myself of something. But I have my go to blogs and posts from other blogs that I go to with repetitive problems. I come here for two posts in particular that you did around the holidays this past year, I go to Vickie's blog, I go to KCLAnderson's because we share a lot of the same background with family and I adore her site - it clicks with my brain, as does Kara's (can I think like a thin person). She does cognitive therapy and has some interesting insights esp. in her tool bar.

Unknown said...

Hi Jane! I love this post. There are so many statements I should borrow for my everyday life.

:-) Marion

dara sue said...

"All war is based on deception" Love it. Especially after being told that i'd stop fighting everyone and everything.....and realizing i'd never truly believed that :-) or perhaps never wanted it!

RedPanda said...

darling your first list of 8 described most of blog land. .

Vickie took the words from my mouth!