I first lied to myself when I was six years old. I was already being called 'fat' in school. I knew I was larger than my cousins and school mates. I remember sitting in the bathtub and looking at the way my stomach divided into three rolls (small, medium and large) when I hunched over. Unaware of anatomy at that innocent age, I thought the small stomach roll was from vegetables, the medium sized roll was what I considered real foods like spaghetti, meatballs, pizza, chicken, cold cuts, etc., and the large stomach roll was desserts and sweets of all kinds. At six years old I could not imagine not having desserts and sweets - so I just reorganized my thinking and claimed that the larger roll was from the real foods (starches and fats) and my middle roll was the sweets.
|Found this on line. Love it.|
Six years old and I was lying to myself. I could not fathom that I needed to limit sweets or that I could even try. I could not comprehend the possibility. Twenty years later, even when the truth was held in front of my face like a mirror and I could not escape the reflection, I sought a way to find distortion in that truth to make it untrue. I wanted to believe starches like bread and corn and potatoes were the only problem. I wanted to believe fried food and fat was the only problem. I wanted to believe that quantity was the only problem. All of these were a problem and sweets were ALSO a problem but the BIGGER problem was the lies I told myself. I would not, could not, did not accept the truth that each day I ate sugars, I kept eating them - many times to the exclusion of all the healthy foods.
Fast forward to my forties; keeping off over 200 pounds by eating healthy. I still ate sweets but only occasionally because I could recognize that each occasion brought me closer and closer to the gutter with needing more. Not wanting more - the craving, needing, insanity-behavior of needing to feed on more.
In keeping the pounds off, I know life is easier when I do not have sweets. Easier, healthier, happier- life is sweeter without the sweets.I know it but still I have those occasional sweets. That is my sick brain hard at work. I believe it is somewhat okay if the occasions are spaced by large periods of time and not followed by strong cravings and the bitter resentment of not getting it. It is not 'occasional if it happens with any regularity or schedule. For instance, \ I cannot think that I can have one 'only if I pass the stand' because I will find a way to go out of my way to pass it. I cannot have one every Friday because soon I will be having one every day that ends in a 'y.' How do I know that will be my behavior? Long experience with trial and painful errors.
|I own this shirt and wear it to exercise.|
I don't like that eating sugar can bring me down to the gutter. I don't like reminding me or you. But I have to keep saying it so I can hear it and remember where the road leads. I have a broken brain. It forgets the damage. It forgets the pain. It forgets the insanity. I write to remember so I can continue to choose a better path. I want the sanity and peace in my life more than I want the sugar. I hope I will come back and read this
if when the sugar monster comes knocking on my door.
What does your sugar monster look like? How does it try to get you to pick up?