Thursday, October 25, 2012

October 25th

I have always felt special around my birthday. This year is different. This year I feel empty. It is really just another day in my life. Birthdays are different when you no longer have a mom - that one person who was there with me before I even took my first breath.

I don't want to go out to dinner. I don't really want to do anything 'special.'  It is very different from last year when I celebrated with the end of a 365 day blog that count down the whole year to my 50th birthday. I am sure there will still be some cards and phone calls, a gift from my husband and my daughters. I am so blessed to have people in my life who I love and who love me back. They will not forget it is my birthday but this year I only want what I cannot have: that call from my mom.

I am giving myself one gift: I choose not have cake or any other type of dessert in celebration of this new year in my life. It is just about the best gift I can give myself and I give it with love and a wish for many more birthdays. I am coping and taking very good care of myself. Care does not equal indulgence. Care is akin to lifting up my body with prayer. I like the way that feels.  

I will be writing regularly now, starting with only once a week for the first couple of weeks. 

I look forward to talking with you again soon.

PS: I was fifty last year so this year I am forty-nine and don't bother me about my math. 

Jane~

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday. I'm sorry you wont be getting that phone call. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling and I wont try to pretend I know. There really aren't any words to comfort you with, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Joan said...

Oh Jane, I was too early with my birthday wishes last time so I won't repeat myself. Thank you for your post today.

Fat Woman said...

Jane, you wrote just how I felt. I felt the same. What was the point? I still feel a little that way four years after my mother's death.

Melanie said...

Happy Birthday, Jane!!!! Thanks so much for being a blessing in my life.

Norma said...

Happy Birthday, Jane. I see nothing wrong with your math! :)

Karen said...

Happy Birthhday! Welcome back to the blog.

Vickie said...

Happy Birthday!

bbubblyb said...

Happy Birthday Jane!!! 49 looks good on you :)

Munchberry said...

Math shmath birthday girl.

Mama is still around. In you and your girls. If there was no her then there would be no you and your girls... so she left a loving legacy. Just like she loved you before she saw you, you love her even though you cannot see her.

S

Jane Cartelli said...

I am the only one in the world (the ONLY one) who knew I expected a message from my mom in the form of a lady bug. The very first card I received had 2 lady bug stickers on the envelope. Coincidence? Nah, I don't think so. It wasn't a phone call but then I do not think they use phones where my mom is.

Thank you all for your lovely birthday messages.

affectionforfitness said...

Hi Jane! Happy 49th! I love the last sentence of this post about your birthday math.

There are many ways to indulge that do not involve calories. For example, when I cuddle up to my dog Keebler, it doesn't get better than that.

Hopefully, your daughters can make you feel special. Your birthday is as much about them as it is about you.

:-) Marion

Tammie Grey said...

otanjoubi omedetou - happy birthday!

EmDub @ Faster In Water said...

I know! My mom used to call me and sing to me every year on my birthday. She will be gone 2 years this week and the first birthday was great, I spent it out of state with friends, but all I wanted was a call from her singing to me. I hope you spent it with people who are special to you.