Sunday, November 25, 2012

Edible Poison

Got through the holiday without food abuse. That is a good thing. It wasn't as easy as I would have liked to believe. It was possible only because there was nothing around the house to pick up during any less guarded moments. There were times when I was over tired, which makes me irrational around food. It was a good thing there was no ice cream, pies or corn pudding in the house. My daughter bought two Ritter candy bars yesterday and when she went to show me the things she bought and I saw what was coming out of the bag, I closed my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears and started chanting 'blablablablabla." She got the hint and put them away. I know where she keeps them but I do not eat other people's food so they are safe . . . so far. 

Today I found myself nursing a resentment from the past. I know you have heard that resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. That tells me I do not have the false luxury of holding on to a resentment. There is no positive value in it. It will always lead me back to the weapons I use to destroy my happiness, health and sanity- the wrong foods. This subject is relevant to the ongoing task of keeping the pounds off because holding a resentment is the same as keeping my addictive foods on hand 'just in case' someone else wants to eat them.  It is setting the scene for calamity.

Swearing is not a sign of emotional
maturity but occasionally serves as
a satisfying mode of expression.
In today's travel to Resentmentland I recalled an incident that occurred 21 years ago; how I was verbally mistreated by someone else. It brought up all the anger, shame, hurt and fear that go with many resentments - feelings I pushed away 21 years ago, telling myself the abuse could be excused by the emotional trauma we were all going through at that time. I never returned to deal with those feeling adequately and today, alone in my car, I started 'telling' this person "f*ck you."

It is not a good sign when I have a conversation with someone who is not in the room or even in the same state. I doubt he felt my resentment 1300 miles away. Did I feel better after cursing out the empty space in my car? I did not. I don't like it that nine years after I lost my first pound I still have to work my mental ass off to keep from finding it or its many friends. 
So today I will be spending some private time examining why this is bothering me 21 years later and what I need to do to be gentle and forgiving of myself without self-inflicting edible poison on my body. 



Caron said...

I have never heard that saying about resentment but found myself saying out loud "wow" when I read it. Light bulb moment for sure. Thanks.

Vickie said...

A most excellent holiday AFTERS post. I have added it to my collection of holiday posts for next year.

I posted 'thankfulness' quotes the Saturday before thanksgiving and 'dealing with bitterness' quotes the Saturday AFTER thanksgiving.

I had scheduled them long ago.

When that bitterness collection popped up yesterday, I had a moment of 'what was I thinking?' but then realized I was thinking very accurately.

Bitterness is a common part of the AFTERS.

Really good post.

And you are exactly right - this is what people have a very hard time in the days after a holiday, especially a major food holiday (but, yes I realize we have turned everything into a major food holiday).

downsizers said...

This might help:
I think part of it is our natural human tendency to "get even". If we have been wronged and the record was never set straight in our minds, we are "incomplete" so to speak because the matter is not settled in our minds. I struggle with this as well. I lived with rejection over my weight and when it is from a family member (my dad) it is especially scarring. Not only did I face rejection at school, I came home to it as well. The social rejection leaves its mark too. Rising above that is tough. Accepting the fact that the person who wronged us is the one with the problem is tough but true. We were treated like we didn't have any feelings because of our weight. We must come to terms with it so that we can move forward. We can't give that much power to others. Take care.

simply me said...

a very well written post about the 'afters'!
And I must thank the person above my comment with the link, it is very very informative and helped me tremendously!