"Hello, you are calling the firm of Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. All of our stages of Death are busy right now, may I put you on hold?"
No dammit, I have put myself on hold long enough. I have been dealing with The Stages since my Mom's death last June and it is affecting me in unhealthy ways. I would like some action. Please put me through to Acceptance right now.
"It seems you are already on a permanent hook up to the Stage of Denial. Have you checked the connection on your end?"
I have been in Denial long enough and that is the point. I want to severe the relationship.
"We certainly do not want to lose your patronage. May I connect you to our retention team of Guilt and Regret? They can better direct you into the stage of Depression.
No thank you. I have already dealt with Depression and all her charming suitors: Loss, Longing and Loath - and I am finished with them all. Right now I want to make a clean cut of Denial
Perhaps you would like to speak with Anger first? Surely anyone who has been in Depression and Denial will also need to flame some Anger.
You certainly are persistent in your job, Operator. You must work on commission. Again, no thank you. I have been through the stage of Anger at everyone and everything. I have broken belongings, promises and if you do not connect me to acceptance, I am going to be breaking your nose.
Is that an attempt at bargaining? Perhaps I can connect you to Drs. Avoidance and Confusion over in the Stage of Bargaining.
Listen operator, I have no interest in bargaining away any other parts of my soul. I am worked hard to get back the parts I already traded for the empty promises of Bargaining.
Is there nothing else we can do for you?
Nothing except for connecting me with Acceptance. I understand it is the least busy of all the Stages.
Ture. Most people who reach for it fall short because they haven't fully dealt with all the Stages that come before it and there can be no acceptance until the other Stages have been fully uncovered and examined. I only wanted to save you the heartache of moving on to a stage you might not be ready for.
Thank you. I do appreciate your concern. In all honesty, I think I am ready.
I'll connect you. If the call is disconnected or if your connection to Acceptance appears weak, please re-examine the other stages before trying again.
You don't have to tell me that. I've tried to reach Acceptance before. Each time I had to go back and face the other Stages again until I felt I really could move on. This time I realize Acceptance is all that is left.
Then I will connect you now. After the call, there will be a brief survey to ask you questions about our service and if you would recommend The Stages to your friends and family. You know, no one escapes Death. It is like taxes.
Don't I know it.