Monday, March 4, 2013

Dread Weight

I started seeing a therapist a four weeks ago. Four days ago at my session, I had a major aha moment. I was able to accept an awareness on something that happened in my life more than three decades ago. I have never denied the event but I have always denied the feelings. The realization of what I have been ignoring all this time was mind-shattering but essential for me to continue recovery from food addiction (and my on-going quest for sane living). 

It is a sensitive subject and I will be writing about it in the near future - but not today. Right now I am still trying on the feelings that go with this realization so I can find the way to live differently now that I am aware I have been hurting myself living with it the way I have to this point. 

It all came about because of another stumble into the food, namely sugar. My food has been out of whack for seven days. I am currently three days free of sugar and hopefully my mind is getting back to a healthier normal. One thing is certain - I finally have an understanding of what has been leading me into the food over and over again. Surprise to me: it is not the loss of my mother. 

It is also not because I took back my will, gave in to my disease or held on to a few choice character defects. I needed something beyond what I was getting in recovery and I needed professional help to make this discovery. The recovery program I love and follow is not to blame. I just required additional help. I am grateful I am getting that help and can finally stop beating myself up for falling so short of perfect. Now that I have a conscious awareness of what I was doing to myself subconsciously, I know that I must change my responses to match that awareness and I know I will find that support within the program I follow today, along with the  outside help I am receiving. 

Hang in there with me. I am even more committed to keeping the pounds off now that I am losing the weight in my head. 



Norma said...

I'm very glad you're in counseling and, as you put it, "losing the weight in your head." No doubt your work with your therapist will benefit you in more ways than just keeping to your food plan. :) You know I'm hanging in there with you!

Vickie said...

I have worked with a therapist and a psychiatrist (because I need meds) and it has made a HUGE difference in my process and life. I have been with them for many years now. If you look around blog world there are a lot of us who have used the objective eye of a therapist to make real changes in our perceptions and our reactions. I personally would still be cycling through the same (nonsense) and not realizing it. Very good post.

Unknown said...

Hi Jane! I also had a few sessions with a therapist that made a *huge* difference in my quality of life. Shortly thereafter, I started losing weight. So your point of "losing the weight in your head" is apt.

:-) Marion

Caron said...

Agree with all of the above comments. I'm glad you are learning more about yourself. Hang in there.

Jill @ a Girl in Progress said...

This is a great post. I have not covered it on my blog yet, but I went to a counselor for a while to help with my eating addiction. I think it is enormously helpful to get a trained professional's take on our unhealthy behavior. Sometimes, we just don't know which tools to use to deal with some of our issues. Getting help with that is so freeing. Thanks for having the courage to post this! It will make a difference in someone's life, for sure.

Jane Cartelli said...

Norma - Thank you. I don't think my therapist wants to talk food at all. So far my therapist has not hinted at discussing my food. When I told him last week that I had picked up he went right to the heart of the matter, which was not the food but what was causing me to run for the food.

Vickie - I remember reading on your blog (a couple of years ago) about how other people encouraged you to get the professional help and I was talking one day to my mentor when he said 'I want you to consider seeing a therapist." I had to think about it for two months but I finally did it when I realized things were not getting easier on their own. I really LOVE your sentence "I would still be cycling through the same nonsense and not realizing it." That sums up what I know I was doing and what I think I am learning to change in therapy.

Marion - My husband and I did marriage counseling 20 years ago and it was wonderful. I don't know why I didn't try seeing someone again on my own sooner than this.

Caron - :-) Thank you!

Jill - Thank you for sharing that. After so many years of keeping the pounds off it is easy to get stuck in the thinking that no one else can help me more than I have helped myself. I sometimes forget that the food is only one part of the problem and I do not have a monopoly on all the answers to the other parts.