I started seeing a therapist a four weeks ago. Four days ago at my session, I had a major aha moment. I was able to accept an awareness on something that happened in my life more than three decades ago. I have never denied the event but I have always denied the feelings. The realization of what I have been ignoring all this time was mind-shattering but essential for me to continue recovery from food addiction (and my on-going quest for sane living).
It is a sensitive subject and I will be writing about it in the near future - but not today. Right now I am still trying on the feelings that go with this realization so I can find the way to live differently now that I am aware I have been hurting myself living with it the way I have to this point.
It all came about because of another stumble into the food, namely sugar. My food has been out of whack for seven days. I am currently three days free of sugar and hopefully my mind is getting back to a healthier normal. One thing is certain - I finally have an understanding of what has been leading me into the food over and over again. Surprise to me: it is not the loss of my mother.
It is also not because I took back my will, gave in to my disease or held on to a few choice character defects. I needed something beyond what I was getting in recovery and I needed professional help to make this discovery. The recovery program I love and follow is not to blame. I just required additional help. I am grateful I am getting that help and can finally stop beating myself up for falling so short of perfect. Now that I have a conscious awareness of what I was doing to myself subconsciously, I know that I must change my responses to match that awareness and I know I will find that support within the program I follow today, along with the outside help I am receiving.
Hang in there with me. I am even more committed to keeping the pounds off now that I am losing the weight in my head.