Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Candy Wrapper Caper

The Crime Scene: The Laundry Dryer

The Evidence: salted caramel chocolate candy wrappers in the dyer with another person's wash

The Suspect: The woman (me) who emptied the dryer for the owner of the clothing.

My daughter needed to leave for work and her clothes were still turning in the dryer. Would I mind taking them out so they did not wrinkle? Of course I am happy to help. While waiting for the dryer to empty I straighten my kitchen and toss out the trash. Half an hour later the dryer stops and I take out the clothes. Empty candy wrappers are loose in the machine. They are from her pockets. This particular candy is of the type I abused in my last binge. They are not my candy and I do not control another adults' food, I am fine picking them up and throwing them out.

This Crime Scene Investigation photo found
on line and is evidence in my case
Entire Insanity, stage right. Oh no! I am going out and will not be home when my husband comes in from work. If he comes in and goes to take out the garbage (as is his practice) he will see the trash is already gone and the only thing in it will be these wrappers. He will think I got into the sugar again and worry about me, additionally, he will NOT tell me he saw the wrappers because he does not like to make an issue out of it when he suspects I am back in the food.

I do not want him to worry. I do not want him to think I am off my wagon. I do not want to leave a note and state that the wrappers are not mine because of my history of lying. He knows how I have abused this item. I have also abused the trust of others by having it when I said I wasn't. I do not want him to think these are mine.

I take them into my daughter's room to look for her trash can. Can't find it. I do not leave her wrappers in her room because I think she will take it as a passive aggressive judgement of her choice to eat the candy when all I want to do is not have anyone else think I ate them.

My food integrity was in the toilet last month and I did not think I had enough credits in my favor to escape worrying my husband. This was all in my mind, of course - this co-dependency and thinking I know what goes in inside the heads of everyone else.

So, I take the wrappers into my office and, to make sure my husband does not see them and suspect they are mine, I stuff them inside a dark plastic bag and crash the bag into the trash already in the office receptacle.

Then I stand back and recognize the irony and insanity of this situation. I am hiding candy wrappers of candy I did not buy and did not eat. I have nothing to do with this candy and yet I am hiding the evidence of it as though I were 'guilty' of something.

When I got home that evening I told my husband the whole story.

That is the sickness of compulsive eating and shame over the illness. Even if I had eaten the candy, there should not be a feeling of guilt attached to it. Sickness, yes but guilt is a negative that does no damn good for someone seeking to be well and stay well. People are not guilty of getting cancer or any other illness yet some people hid their diseases as though they should be ashamed. I cannot allow myself to be 'ashamed' of being sick when it comes to food addiction. I am just a person trying the best I can to get well.

Shame has no place in my recovery.



Vickie said...

When you got to

My food integrity was in the toilet last month and I did not think I had enough credits in my favor to escape worrying my husband.

I thought it was foreshadowing and you were going to flush the wrappers. Then I was worried you would back up the toilet. Then I was worried about excess water, Florida climate and black mold. This is where my mind goes.

I know you had a very good point. I believed every word and could even picture your thought process (and mine superimposed over yours). But I still smiled all the way thru your post.

Norma said...

I could see myself doing quite the same thing, Jane. Just know you are far from alone in your crazy. We are legion. ;)