Yes, I realize I gave inanimate globs fat human personalities and abilities: they can survive outside the body, travel, use directions, follow a map and find their way back inside me all without any assistance from me. If fat can think and act on its own, I am not the problem, I am the victim. I was blaming them for their efforts and diligence in seeing me out. I think that is a fine example of denial and invert accountability. It is not my fault, the fat keeps finding me. Or the fat just won't read the eviction sign and leave. Or maybe, I am too over-worked, over-whelmed, busy, poor, etc to divorce my fat legally so for now I have to live with it. Poor me.
|No, it does not work that way|
I had to change the way I thought, talked, acted. I had to get into the habit of believing the fat is powerless against the forces of healthy living. I had to reverse that GPS so that the pounds left on a one-way trip away from my body and into oblivion.
This last year I made excuses to eat that don't fit into my new GPS. Whoa is me, I lost my mother, I was in crisis, I was depressed. Boo hoo me, eat another f*ckin' cookie and whine or lie about it: both my choice.
These past eight weeks I have been working very hard on the squirrels in my head to once again re-program my thinking away from hapless victim. It is working. I have been feeling stronger, healthier and happier since I stopped picking up excess quantities and their unhealthy cousin Junk Foods.
This is an ongoing process. Getting extra help with a therapist has been beneficial to me. We don't talk about food or weight loss or the latest diet, exercise or scientific equations on obesity and maintenance. We discuss life, boundaries, decisions, adjustments, self-awareness and letting go. This letting go is not about the pounds. It is about dead weight in the form of jealousies, fears, resentments, and dishonesty.
I like where I am going. I like learning about myself as I go.
Have you the roles of hapless victim and/or doomed crusader? What turned you around?