The title of this post was one of my paternal grandfather's two favorite reactions to anything in life. He either said 'Oh for crying out loud' or 'Jesus H. Christ!' , with emphasis on the J for some reason.
Recently I was asked Have you cried recently. My reply, "Um, hm, you mean like in secret or in front of other people?" Either? "Well, no I haven't." What are you waiting for?
I do whatever I have to not to cry in front of other people. I don't know why I fight it or hide it. I do not know why I chide myself internally for crying. Okay, I do know that last one. If I am seen crying someone may ask me an intimate question and I may not want to answer it. Or is it that other people will judge me for my crying? They may tell me that my reason for tears is not good enough. Then I will have to kill them for being insufferably judgemental and stupid. I remember someone once telling me my feelings were misplaced and wrong and "that is nothing to cry over." I can't believe I said nothing and let that person still walk the earth. Quite honestly, I cannot believe she can dress herself in the morning and find the front door to go out - she is that stupid.
Lately I find myself unable to cry when alone. I used to be able to drop a pint of tears at the drop of a Kleenex commercial. I was writing a condolence message to someone who recently lost their grandmother. Reminding her of the importance of allowing herself to feel the grieving process, I wrote
When I let go and let myself feel the loss and pain, I make room for more of my mother's cherished spirit to fill my soul.
|My eyes are hazel. In this photo they look blue.|
When I get crying they turn a vivid emerald.
I wrote it for her but I think I meant it as a reminder to me. I am eating too much lately and not always the best food. I cannot purge food so I better purge whatever if blocking my emotions and giving me an unholy appetite. I need a couple of good, tear-evoking TV episodes or movies to cleanse my tear ducts. At one time I could put on one of a dozen Little House on the Prairie episodes and cry a river but lately I can't even moisten a Puffs tissue - even when baby Charlie dies, Mary's baby dies, Alice dies or Pa has to kill Bunny. The Walton's isn't doing it for me. . . not even Lassie. I need new fictional sorrow.
If you want to make yourself cry (without conjuring up horrible scenarios in your head), what TV show or movie would help you start the flood flowing?