Saturday, June 1, 2013
One Week More
I was told by fellow bloggers, friends, clients and even a therapist that I could count on not feeling normal for a year. They have been so right. It has been a hard year - a lost year in some ways and somehow full of good things in another way, with a lot of general mundane life in between.
I accepted from the start that it would be such a year. Lately I have been counting down the weeks to this one while all year carefully marking off all the 'firsts': the first birthday without my mom, the first Halloween (her favorite holiday), the first Christmas, first New Years, first Mother's Day and finally the first anniversary of her death.
I am not suggesting that at the moment of one year after her passing I will suddenly be bubbly and free and filled with joy and merriment. It is simply that in marking the passing of time I can take stock of how now it is, a year later and somehow let go of the rawness of the pain.Maybe after all the firsts have passed.
I feel that this week is some kind of a hump week and when it has passed I can lighten from the old southern tradition of deep mourning (figuratively speaking, as I have not worn black crepe all year) and add some color back into my life. I can start thinking seriously about planting some vegetables, painting the house, maybe coloring my hair some wicked, wild color.
Remember the words from the Benedictus I quoted a few weeks ago?
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
It is also time for me to make an amends to my God, who I have heavily blamed for the pain I have felt for one solid year.I know the God of my understanding has also been patiently been waiting for me to turn in his/her direction and feel the glow of that love. I have been in too much pain to even want to feel it but the time is coming and I cannot shy away much longer.
One week more.