At some point or at a million points in my younger life, I was hurt due to vulnerability and from that point on, without realizing it, my life revolved around never allowing anyone to find me vulnerable. Food allowed me to numb out so that I would not seek intimacy from others. Food was the close friend when other ‘friends’ didn't invite me to join in playing their reindeer games. Food was the confidant I went to when I felt sad, alone, or disappointed. Food celebrated with me when I was happy or rejoicing. I could be with friends, family and strangers and still have food – a socially acceptable substance. It became my secret ‘significant other’.
Abusing food enabled me to not get closer to the people in my life – even the ones who I loved. I was rarely able to risk getting hurt. When someone in my life (loved one, friend, stranger) hurt me in any way – major or minor, food was close by to help me pick up the pieces – and swallow them down.
Even after all this time I am just now becoming aware of just how far I pushed intimacy out of my relationships. I have been married to my loving spouse more than half my life yet I am still uncomfortable discussing some subjects with him. In many relationships I am still peeling away the layers that keep me from sharing intimately and without fear of being hurt. For today I can be grateful I am finally aware and still willing to continue peeling away anything that separates me from intimacy at my core. It is not easy.
|Not the photo I wanted here. Picture|
Spock's father touching 2 fingers
to Spock's mother's 2 fingers. I
think that gesture is very intimate.
I can't find a still of that scene.