Monday, November 4, 2013

If I do not learn from history . . .

 . . . I am doomed to repeat it until I do.

I had already lost around 95 pounds when my father died in November of 2005. When he died I emotionally overate and binged on and off for six weeks. Then I got back to what I was doing. At that time was all me and my force of will - no recovery programs, no blogging, no therapist. I was too closed off to consider anyone else's opinions or ask for help. I wanted to do it alone because I assumed I had to do it alone. I never considered that help was available to me.

From January '06 to November '06 I lost another 50 pounds. Occasionally I would overeat my way through a weekend or bad week but I was losing and maintaining the loss of over 100 pounds through that year doing a little exercise and eating balanced meals at least 85% of the time.

Then in October of 2006 I got into the candy for Halloween and started ordering mail order brownies and candies and other junk food. My weight went up and down 10 pounds twice that month. By the end of the month I knew I could not get through the holidays without gaining back at least thirty pounds and I did not want to continue the game of playing yo-yo with my weight. I decided to seek some help by way of a non-profit, non-commercial recovery program.

From November 2006 through 2008 I dropped down to 165 pounds. After that I stayed within 10 pounds of that weight for several years, sometimes dropping to 162 and sometimes going up to 175. In 2011 I started to really push myself to drop the final 25 pounds. I cut back on portions and choices. I bumped up the exercise and weights and stretching and fidgeting (anything to burn a calorie).

My body would not respond. I started taking back some foods and gained a few more pounds. Then I had trouble putting the food back down. I gained a few more pounds.

Then my mother died and I became depressed and I fell into fat serenity. I was okay the first two months post-mommy but then the cycle started again. When I wasn't keeping the pounds off I was yo-yoing up and down 5, 10, 15 pounds. All the time I just I kept telling myself I was okay today and I would be okay tomorrow. I knew what to do. I could just do it, right. Some weeks I did what needed to be done and some weeks I hid in the food closet, lamenting my woes and fears.

I don't want to repeat history again. I hope I have learned enough to break the cycle and move forward in covering from this damn disease. I must surrender, not to the disease but to the powers that will lead me to recover from it one day at a time.

Are you on learn or repeat?


1 comment:

Unknown said...

Hi Jane, I think I used to have a big panic about many things. Now, I'm seeing more value in the struggle of life. Does that mean I'm over emotional eating? No, but it means that I'm less susceptible to it. Oftentimes, I can just appreciate who I am when things are NOT going right in my life. That's helped me not go into those long-term binge-y episodes, you describe above so well, anymore. :D