Saturday, November 23, 2013

Ugh

Why is it that what is so blatantly obvious to others in myself is ostensibly invisible to me in myself?

For the last week I have been grieving to the point of depression. I only exercised twice this week and both times were minimal. I lie on top of my bed a good portion of the day and cry, binge-watch NCIS, look at the wrong mementos and eat the wrong foods. By 'wrong' I mean things that will not help move me through the grief and depression and restore me to balance. For instance - I read some of my mother's journals.  Well, duh - maybe reading my mother's life is not the best course of action on my emotions right now?  I was already feeling grief  and this didn't help. I read some things about what my mother felt in her life some 30+ years ago. It made me sad, angry and frustrated - just what I need when I am unbalanced, unfocused and isolating, right? Add to this my unwell choice of eating bread products this week. Bread equals wheat which equals night sweats for me. (No night sweats when I do not have wheat and sugar).

I know better and yet . . . .

Enough. I feel sick now. Mint tea this morning and a commitment to my normal food plan. I cannot change this past week. I do not have to repeat it.

I can be grateful for that.

What are you grateful for today?

Jane~

9 comments:

Vickie said...

What triggered all of this to start, do you think? Holidays? Something that triggered long ago emotions? Just (normal) part of the continuing grief process?

Do you have a certain number of days where you think you subconsciously choose to sort of wallow before you turn yourself around? I think that about myself sometimes - that I 'need' two days on the couch. I am not sure where that comes from.

If I hit that third day, I am supposed to take action (call my therapist).

The last two Saturdays I have gotten up and told my husband - I HAVE to have something to do today or it is not going to be good. In other words - I was headed for two days if I did not get myself moving.

Last Saturday I went and spent the day with my middle (at her college) as my husband and youngest were very busy all day. Today I am spending it with my husband (youngest is busy again). Tomorrow we have plans for the whole day (which is good).

I have no grief process going. But am relating to what you wrote on a broader cycle.

I too have that tie between what I eat and how I feel (night sweats ditto, amazing how what LOOKS like menopause is food triggered, isn't it?).

there are times where I think I ate the wrong thing to trigger the two days 'off'. And that is not because I am so busy, I am not. There is something else going on with the two day thing.

Marion Shaw said...

I'm probably going to sound like a hard-hearted person, but doing this is not helping you live a good life, nor would your mother approve. After my father died, during law school, I had upcoming finals and was really a mess. A professor told me to think about what my father would want for me--to do well and put him out of my mind when I needed to. And, I knew when he said that, that is what my dad would have wanted too. So chin up, your mother would want you to be happy, even if it meant not thinking about her so much.

that TOPS lady said...

First of all (((((((hugs))))))).

Second of all......you will pull through this. You are strong. Pull, my friend. Sometimes it is a crazy fight---but you are a fighter. You've got this.

PJ Geek said...

I understand. I do. I also don't recommend going shopping at Walmart when you are down..$$$.
Today is a new day , Start where you are. Start now.

Karen said...

Grief, depression- tough stuff.

Structure helps me a lot. Write a schedule the exercise and check it off on a visible list in the house- on the refrige or calendar.

Glad you are pulling out of the cycle and are aware of it. That's a big victory right there.

I'll never forget my Dad's smile in May when I walked in, "Hey, you are keeping your weight off, you look great!" The very last real words I spoke to my dad in June when he was dying were 'I'll be right back, I need to go walking. It helps me keep balanced, I don't want to go, but I need to take care of myself".

He died 5 minutes later, I was outside in 108C Phoenix AZ weather seeking the shadiest walk I could find. I knew I was heading of a major binge, and it worked, binge avoided. I know my Dad would want me to take care of myself. He prided himself on teaching me to change car tires, have a tool kit do do home repairs, etc. He would want me to use the exercise tool, too.

No walking/exercise opens the door to the disease keeps trying to sneak inside the house. If I open the front the door and go outside, then the other door that holds the disease stays shut. It can knock all it wants, I don't have to answer.

You are not alone. Karen P

Jane Cartelli said...

The last two days have been great. I have been talking about it with people and listening to what I hear in return. Being busy both days has helped, too.

Vickie: I sometimes give myself a half day to veg on the sofa. Since I always have work to do I know that anything more than half a day is out of balance for me. (does not include the rare sick days).

My therapist is a vacation until the first week of December otherwise I would have been on HER couch this week. (therapy humor).

I am not sure what triggered it - I had a great three day weekend before it started. There are some unresolved extended family issues that could be playing a part. More will be revealed when my sub conscious is ready. Something on the gried process: they say you do not fully grieve the first parent death until the second parent dies. When my father died I was still in the food. After my mom died I really started to re-grieve my dad. Put it all together plus my husband starting a new work situation next week, my brother's on-going ill health - I can tell I have not been giving myself the self care that keeps me on track so I am balanced thru everything else. That lack of care ended on Friday.

Marion: You do not sound hard at all. You sound experienced. :-)
My mother would want me to find the moment and inject some humor. I have been at a loss but I am working on it.

the TOPS Lady: It takes one to know one my friend. Thank you for your support.

PJ Geek: I have started and I thank you, too. I am not shopping anywhere right now unless I have adult supervision. :-)

Karen P: Your comment was like getting a virtual hug full of support. Thank you.

Vickie said...

Very estate of you to realize you were double grieving.

Glad your therapist will be back soon. I had a year where mine had major illness and I was not doing well. Tough time.

Vickie said...

Astute

Laura said...

So sorry :( (((Hugs)))

I know ALL about the "I know better but......." thing.

I'm sorry you are sad and having a hard time. I wish I knew what to say to make it better, but I don't. :(

I'm here if you need me