Monday, January 13, 2014

I Do Not Yet Love My Word

An angel card meeting is where you get together with a like-minded group of people who share a focus and everyone blindly chooses a card with a word and a angel drawing on it and then explores the word/concept/emotion/feeling all through the next year.

Last year I got the concept of self-awareness. From the moment I first read it, I knew it was going to be one of those words that gives me a lot of work and I was not sure I was up to it. Now I know that was is first requirement of having a word that really makes a difference in your life: the idea that it would be a challenge and not something that is just easy. 

The year of Self-Awareness: it was life changing. I am not where I thought I would be when I pictured my life today via my one year ago mind, but I would not change a thing. It has been a year of self discovery, self healing and even times of self deceit followed by self-loathing. Through all this, I learned to grow. The focus of constantly trying to practice self-awareness brought me gifts that are too rich to describe at once. They do and will continue to be revealed in past and future posts. 

This year I prayed to be open to whatever word I received. So many are possible: Tenacity, Freedom, Peace, Expectant, Playful, Healing, Willingness, Spontaneity, Harmony, Satisfaction, Change, Joy . . . this list goes on. There were a few words I did not  want to get but I knew I had to be open to getting anything. 

I got two cards for friends who could not be there. I did not look to see what was on any card. I put two away in my wallet and one in my pocket that I claimed as my own. I then looked at the two I got for others: Healing and Freedom. Good words. I waited a few minutes, putting my hand on the card in my pocket. I asked to be grateful for whatever my word was for 2014. I pulled out the card and read:


LOVE

I wanted to throw it back in the basket. I immediately tightened and thought "What am I going to do with love? I know I am loved. Am I supposed to go around pretending I love everybody or (ugh) am I supposed to truly love myself in unexplored dimensions?? 

Then I paused.  Slowly realized that was it was not about being loved. It was about loving. Honestly loving - I  know feel worry think I come up short when it comes to loving others as fully as I can. I can be overbearing and quick to temper, sarcasm, exasperation, judgement. I set conditions. Can I really be loving if I do not accept someone exactly as they are at this very moment - without conditions? Am I short changing others? Am I short changing myself? 

Ah. now I think I understand why the forces of the universe (and my random grasp) gave me the word LOVE. 

I have work to do.  

How much do you love without conditions, no matter what, without exception? (three ways of saying the same thing)

Next post:  How LOVE fits into the 52 week Life Makeover I am doing this year using Cheryl Richardson's book. 

Jane~

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