Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hi . . . Remember Me?

OK, Jane deep breath in, breathe out slowly. Relax and begin writing.

Hi, remember me? I took a trip to Texas for four days five weeks ago . . .and disappeared from blogging.

You know what that means, right?

I fell mouth first into the wrong foods and the insanity that goes with it. I have always said when a weight loss blogger who regularly posts suddenly goes quiet then something is wrong. I am no exception.

The relapse started long before I picked up the first bite. Mentally, I was cooking long before I got on the plane. Mentally and emotionally, I have been the poster child of self deception for much longer than that.  This relapse was three years in the making. . It ended when I hit rock bottom 29 days ago. That is the day of my final binge. With a stomach full of ice cream, chocolate, cookies and whatever else I bought that day, I felt like I was dying. I had another fist full of Hershey chocolate drops in my hand. I honestly believed the next bite would kill me that very minute and I would be found slouched over my desk with wrappers around me. I ate it anyway.

As I swallowed and realized I was not dead, I started reaching for another bite . . .suddenly I felt compelled to grab all the junk in front of me and throw it all away. I poured half a can of Comet on top of everything and then I made a call and reached out for help. I believe help is always available if we humbly ask for it.

The physical relapse ended that day. I have been back to sober eating and being kind to my body for the past 28 days. This is a sickness and shame has no place in my recovery but I still felt the shame of having been beaten by my own will. I have not posted because I wanted to focus on what is really important for that recovery but also because I wasn't ready to speak openly about what happened. I needed to find some understanding within myself. I needed to listen a lot more than I needed to write this blog. I needed to be a more humble student and refrain from the suggestion that I am the teacher. I still need have much more to learn.

The process of learning does not stop because my food is clean today.  I have written too many posts in the past three years where the writing was to convince myself of what needed to be done.  From this point on my posts will reflect what I am doing instead of what 'I know' I need to do.

As for the rest, I will take it one day at a time.

If you are still out there reading this, I hope you will let me know.

Jane~






26 comments:

Vickie said...

Read this yesterday, your notes made me think of it again, so I went and found it -

http://ganeybypass.blogspot.com/2013/12/an-open-letter-to-everyone-with-weight.html

When the losing of weight becomes the supreme, overriding goal, the battle is lost before it even starts. I have come to realize that when I just focused on losing weight, I was only treating the symptom (not the cause) of my problem. So what was the problem?

My lifestyle was a disaster. I could lose weight for a short period of time by taking extreme measures, but I was not putting any new behaviors in place to ensure the results lasted. As a result, any weight lost was immediately gained back.

You see, most people think you need 3 things to lose weight:

-Motivation
-Discipline
-Willpower

I have none of those things. Motivation, discipline and willpower last a couple of weeks, at most. They will allow you to "white knuckle it" or "gut it out" for a short period of time. But then what? You're right back where you were. Temporary sacrifice gives you temporary results.

Over the course of 3 1/2 years and losing and maintaining a loss of almost 400 pounds, I have realized the 3 qualities that matter most for me are:

-Persistence. Doing the same thing over and over again. Never letting anything or anyone get into the way of your customized routine.

-Determination. Fall down? Get back up. Gain a pound? Who cares. Get right back at it.

-Follow-through. This is the biggest one of them all. Do what you say you're going to do.






Very glad you are more settled back into your normal self.

Vickie said...

What does your hubby do when you are in the midst of a food frenzy? Must be tough.

Karen said...

Hi Jane. Welcome back. Glad to see you. I like your frame of mind. What is working. What works now.

Keep going. A lot of hard work. Here's to the courage and strength needed. Onward.

bbubblyb said...

Sending you a big hug jane. You know I understand and as for being the teacher, the best ones are the ones that can tell their stories with heart and grit, you are a teacher and don't ever think otherwise. Time in makes you a teacher too, more knowledge with each passing day. Isolation and self abuse is our worst enemy so keep talking I'll always be here listening. Head held high my lady :)

Norma said...

Glad to see a post from you regardless. I was actually searching through my blog email account yesterday looking for your email address (thought I had it? Couldn't find it--) to shoot you a quick message because I've missed your posts. Was hoping that you'd just been busy/suffering writer's block or whatever. I hope you're feeling better since reaching out for help, Jane.

Mary said...

I'm still reading and glad you've made your way back.

FredT said...

Welcome back

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself. It's hard in this stressful, overindulgent world to get off the "wheel" and nurture ourselves. Thanks for your candor and sharing.

downsizers said...

I'm glad to see you posting again. I have been going through a rough patch myself. When you were gone for so long I did wonder if you were having difficulties. It is always maddening to me why we can't stop until we "bottom out"; why we go ahead with the self-destruction all the while knowing there will be consequences. Regardless - good to have you back.

Escape Pod said...

I've missed your voice, and I'm so glad to see you posting again, back on track and caring for yourself in the best way you know how. You're a valued guide on this path of battling food addiction, whether you're sharing your successes or your struggles.

Rebecca said...

Jane, I thought of you many times and clicked on your blog to see if you had come back yet. I just sang this same song this week...I get it. Proud of you for working on it the last 28 days and for reaching out for help. One day at a time for sure ;)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I just went thru the same thing. I can't tell you how much this helped!! Thank you again....

Kitty said...

Glad to see you back. I appreciate the honest post.

PJ Geek said...

Thank you for sharing. Honesty is brutal sometimes but inspiring and healing in the end.

Jane Cartelli said...

Vicki - Thank you for the link and for repeating a portion of it in your comment. It is a perfect reminder. As for my husband - sadly I still have the talent to manipulate him into thinking that my food choices were okay, for me, at that moment. But remember that most of the food was being consumed when he wasn't with me. That does not mean I was fun to be around in between overeating. Sometimes I was as sweet at pie. The hard part for him really came when I told him honestly what was going on and I was still actively eating. He knew he was already doing all HE could do for me. He knows he cannot MAKE me get well.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you Karen.
Thank you Dawn.
Thank you Norma. You can email me at keeping the pounds off (dot) jane @ gmail (dot) come -I'm trying to avoid the email troll-bots.

Thank you Mary, Fred, Anonymous,Myra, Escape Pod, Rebecca, Annoymous 2, Kitty and anyone else reading.

LuckyMama said...

Remember...failure is not falling down. It's not getting back up.

You got up!

Jane Cartelli said...

don't even know my own email address. It is keeping the pounds off dot Jane at Gmail dot com

Marion Shaw said...

Hi Jane, All of us who used to weigh a lot more have 9/11 of our iceberg hidden from view--years of binges and other horrific habits. I binged in a way that was horrifying to me on December 23rd of last year. It happens, and we must forgive ourselves. And yes, even though we've been successful, we still need our own personal support. I've been going to TOPS for 2 years now, and believe I might need that support for-- maybe forever. Strength is knowing how to use all your tools available to do the best you can. As the poet Donne says, No man [or woman] is an island. I believe in you, and hope you know from all past experiences that you are a resilient and beautiful person. <3

Debsdailylife said...

Im here!!! And my blog is pretty silent right now too!!

Crabby McSlacker said...

So glad you are back and doing so much better!! Life sure does have ups and downs doesn't it? But glad the downs couldn't keep you under.

Sending hugs and yeah, we're still out here!

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for all the additional comments and sharing of experience. Together we get better.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for all the additional comments and sharing of experience. Together we get better.

Anonymous said...

Jane, I'm glad you are back and blogging again. I learn alot from what you share. Thank you for being honest!

Anonymous said...

I have been checking in to see when you would be back. I knew you would be - I just knew it. And I knew the post would be remarkable. And it is. I am so glad that the you have put the squirrels back in their cages. And I am so thankful to have you to read again. -FT

Beth@WeightMaven said...

Welcome back!! So glad to hear from you. There are a lot of folks out there who are still on their honeymoon periods and don't realize that life and weight/eating relapses can happen. This is a challenging world we live in ... we all have a lot to learn. Looking forward to reading more from you in the future!