OK, Jane deep breath in, breathe out slowly. Relax and begin writing.
Hi, remember me? I took a trip to Texas for four days five weeks ago . . .and disappeared from blogging.
You know what that means, right?
I fell mouth first into the wrong foods and the insanity that goes with it. I have always said when a weight loss blogger who regularly posts suddenly goes quiet then something is wrong. I am no exception.
The relapse started long before I picked up the first bite. Mentally, I was cooking long before I got on the plane. Mentally and emotionally, I have been the poster child of self deception for much longer than that. This relapse was three years in the making. . It ended when I hit rock bottom 29 days ago. That is the day of my final binge. With a stomach full of ice cream, chocolate, cookies and whatever else I bought that day, I felt like I was dying. I had another fist full of Hershey chocolate drops in my hand. I honestly believed the next bite would kill me that very minute and I would be found slouched over my desk with wrappers around me. I ate it anyway.
As I swallowed and realized I was not dead, I started reaching for another bite . . .suddenly I felt compelled to grab all the junk in front of me and throw it all away. I poured half a can of Comet on top of everything and then I made a call and reached out for help. I believe help is always available if we humbly ask for it.
The physical relapse ended that day. I have been back to sober eating and being kind to my body for the past 28 days. This is a sickness and shame has no place in my recovery but I still felt the shame of having been beaten by my own will. I have not posted because I wanted to focus on what is really important for that recovery but also because I wasn't ready to speak openly about what happened. I needed to find some understanding within myself. I needed to listen a lot more than I needed to write this blog. I needed to be a more humble student and refrain from the suggestion that I am the teacher. I still need have much more to learn.
The process of learning does not stop because my food is clean today. I have written too many posts in the past three years where the writing was to convince myself of what needed to be done. From this point on my posts will reflect what I am doing instead of what 'I know' I need to do.
As for the rest, I will take it one day at a time.
If you are still out there reading this, I hope you will let me know.