Thursday, May 1, 2014

May 1, 2014 - 194.0

194.0 pounds today. A healthy and respectable loss of 5.2 lbs since April 1st - a pound a week.

I remind myself that this is a lifelong journey, not a short sprint. I remind myself to keep my eye on the prize (permanence, health, sanity) and not  immediate, short term gratification of a faster drop, which is then often followed by the undesired bouncing up again.

I resist the suggestion of MyFitnessPal to lower my calories by 250 a day to increase the speed of my weight loss. I am eating today the way I could eat for the rest of my life, if there is no serious decrease in my physical activity or metabolism, of course. Eating less to lose weight faster is a slippery slope for me.

It took 10 HOURS to reach the place where I believe everything written above. 

Let me lead you though my weigh-in day and tell me if you can identify.

Woke up, remembered it was weigh-in day and started thinking of a number I hoped to see on the scale. 189, 187, anything under 190. I went into the bathroom, peed, walked across the house to where I keep the scale, thinking along the way, "What if I stayed the same? What if I gained? No, I could not possibly have gained. I could weigh 193.0. Yeah, I could accept 193.0. Damn, I have not obsessed about a number all month and now here I am trying to bend physical law with my mind. Just get on the scale.

194.0. No, seriously? Not even 193.0?"

I did something I never do: I got on and off three times. 194.0 on the dot each time.  I haven't used the scale all month, the battery must be defective - - I'll change the battery. (ARE YOU FEELING THE INSANITY HERE???)

As I am doing this my husband lovingly points out that he changed the battery in January, the low battery sign did not light up and the battery should be good until December. Harrumph grumble, grumble. I put the battery back in, re-set the scale in position, re-calibrate it and get on. 194.0.

I weigh 194.0. My sz 18s have been given away. My 16s are starting to bag and slide down. The 14s almost fit. I look better and I feel so much better. I expected a lower number.

Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen.

Getting dressed for work I automatically put on a roomier pair of pants because my head is saying 'you can't fit into the pants you fit into yesterday because yesterday you didn't know that you weighed too much to fit into those pants. (MORE INSANITY, RIGHT?) The pants kept sliding lower all day long.

I shared all this with a friend and we discussed how I was seeking some kind of reward from the scale. Vindication for giving up sugar totally. A gold star in the form of a weight loss my mind accepts as proportional to the sacrifice of not having chocolate and ice cream and anything baked and frosted. This brought me back around to remembering to keep my eye on the prize (permanence, health, sanity).

I had an appointment with my therapist today. By the time I got there I was over the insanity and able to laugh at myself with acceptance and love. I was also able to realize that at no time today did I think eating was the solution for what I was feeling. (positive attitude change!) By the time I spoke to my mentor around 4pm, I was at peace with my feelings about the scale and excited that I lost 5 pounds.

I came through the day undamaged.

Have you had insane reactions to a weigh-in?

Jane~


7 comments:

bbubblyb said...

Yes, I'm guessing we all have. Glad you could appreciate all your hard work this month. 5 lbs is a great number jane, I'm so proud of you *hugs*

Kathy said...

I love your posts!!! Thank you....

PJ Geek said...

It takes a good 4 or 5 tries to get the accurate weight on my scale. I know this because I compare with exact clothing and stance by weighing on my scale before going to a doctor's appointment. If I wanted to be happy (in dream world_ I'd just take the first weight which is almost always 10 lbs lower than reality. I think this is my scale saying
'this is your goal weight girlie'


But for your day , I'm glad you could accept it and laugh. I can do that too eventually..

Kitty said...

Your body composition must be pretty good. I weigh 173.6 this week and just now find that my 16s fit. 14s are way too tight, but I have high body fat.

I find that since I started weighing daily I get less crazed by the scale since I see the natural fluctuations. It still annoys be though when I weigh in and have a gain that I "shouldn't" have based upon my Fitbit and my calorie counting.

E. Jane said...

Congrats on the loss! It's not easy to get back on track, but you've done it. I loved the description of your weigh-in.

Escape Pod said...

Oh yes, I can completely relate to seeking validation from the scale, wanting that "gold star" for giving up sugar, exercising more, etc. It's a big irritation when I don't see the number I think I "deserve" when I step on that scale, but I remind myself that sometimes the scale shows me a number that's lower than I think I deserve. It's just data... it's just data ... it's just data I remind myself. Thanks for this post, it injected some much-needed humor into my Monday morning!

Jane Cartelli said...

Hugs to everyone!

Kitty: my body comp as improved greatly over the past 8 years. The redundant skin is a big issue for me. I fit into size 10 and 12 dresses, depending on the cut just as I fit into sz 14s. When I first lost the weight I could not get into lower sizes no matter the cut/style because of where the fat was resting. That got better as I slowly changed with working out.