Friday, May 9, 2014

Yes, I Can Be Taught!

For the last few years I was in a state of relapse. Every time I started over I felt more demoralized because of the thoughts going on in my head: loser, you can't do anything right; why can't you get this? You have no value. No one cares about you. If you are using food you're worthless. I rejected myself thoroughly.

Through all this time my mentor never rejected me. While he worked to make sure I could see myself in the mirror he never pointed to my reflection with scorn or beleaguered my flaws. Every time I started again he stretched himself to find another way to help me see the miracle that had my name on it.

For the past several months, the longest period of true food sobriety (physical, emotional and spiritual) I've had in several years, we have been doing intensive work concentrating on the powerlessness of the addict (me) using methods we never applied before. Recently he gave me a new assignment which involved yet more work and I mentioned that I  felt like I was in a remedial class for chronic relapsing addicts. He didn't let me get away with that attitude and challenged my statement.

Now I am challenging myself to embrace that I am in the Advanced Course word  for food addiction recovery. It is a lot of work but oh, so worth it. Hardened under the abuse of my addictive food use, 
my mind had lost it's flexible growing plates. Now the effort applied to do this work on my part is giving my brain the lubrication to expand, accept, access and use information provided to it in a different light. 

There is no graduation ceremony, no degree, no public accolades for the true achievements that comprise the gift of long term weight loss and recovery from food miss-use addiction. However, inside my mind, heart and soul, the sound of applause is growing, the spotlight is shining and I am bursting with wonder at the life I have today with excitement for all that can be. 


I can do this work. It is worth it.

Jane~

6 comments:

Karen said...

You are worth it, Jane. You are so worth the work. Glad you have the strength and the courage. Smiling as I read your post tonight. Karen P.

Norma said...

I love your approach to this, and your honesty, Jane. Keep singing the truth!

Angel Blue said...

Behind you all the way!

E. Jane said...

Good for you, Jane! This post is so important and inspirational to so many of us who have also struggled. Your honesty is inspiring.

Mary Ellen Quigley said...

I'm proud of you for approaching this head on and with honesty. Yes, you can do it.

Sean Anderson said...

I'm applauding, vigorously, Jane! After reading your blog, I always end up thinking... that's soooo me, too. The abusive self-talk--oh my, I can relate. Isn't it amazing that we sometimes speak to ourselves in a manner we would never use while speaking with another person in the same position. Learning to treat myself with compassion is an ongoing practice, for sure. Jane--thank you...I'm so happy for you and where you are.