For the last few years I was in a state of relapse. Every time I started over I felt more demoralized because of the thoughts going on in my head: loser, you can't do anything right; why can't you get this? You have no value. No one cares about you. If you are using food you're worthless. I rejected myself thoroughly.
Through all this time my mentor never rejected me. While he worked to make
sure I could see myself in the mirror he never pointed to my reflection with
scorn or beleaguered my flaws. Every time I started again he stretched himself
to find another way to help me see the miracle that had my name on it.
For the past several months, the longest period of true food sobriety (physical, emotional and spiritual) I've had in
several years, we have been doing intensive work concentrating on the powerlessness of the addict (me) using methods we never applied before. Recently he gave me a new
assignment which involved yet more work and I mentioned that I felt like I was in a remedial class for chronic relapsing addicts. He
didn't let me get away with that attitude and challenged my statement.
Now I am challenging myself to embrace that I am in the Advanced Course word for food addiction recovery. It is a lot of work but oh, so worth it. Hardened under the abuse of my addictive food use, my mind had lost it's flexible growing plates. Now the effort applied to do this work on my part is giving my brain the lubrication to
expand, accept, access and use information provided to it in a different light.
There is no graduation ceremony, no degree, no public accolades for the true
achievements that comprise the gift of long term weight loss and recovery from food miss-use addiction. However,
inside my mind, heart and soul, the sound of applause is growing, the spotlight is shining
and I am bursting with wonder at the life I have today with excitement for all
that can be.
I can do this work. It is worth it.