Sunday, June 15, 2014

Depression is one thing, Obsession is another

This week was the second anniversary of my Mother's sudden passing. I spent a chunk of the actual day going through some of her things that I had STILL not dealt with, purging a final box of them for all time. I did not have a productive day business wise but I did get through the stuff, finally. I did not overeat or sedate myself with food. I tried not to lean on other things but found myself playing video solitaire rather than working or exercising or anything else. This was a day of dealing with depression without food and I did is, so it was a good day. The depression did not creep into the next day. That was also a good sign - I thought.

It hit me again the day after that. That is when I realized I do not control the grieving process. It does not matter how much I plan the outcome - I do not have control. The illusion that I can control how I feel and the depth of the feeling is false. The only thing to do is ride it out and not try to mask the pain or memories. With gratitude I can tell you I did that this week without leaning on food. Yes, I cried. Yes, I shared my feelings. Yes, it will hurt some more. That is life. I am grateful to be living it one day at a time.

Now let's talk about obsession.

If you go to Goggle maps earth and view New York City you can get street views of every street in Manhattan. I was looking at a view of the brownstone where FDR lived when he was first married (research project). Then I got the idea to look at the views of the neighborhood where my mother lived in 2012 to see if she happened to be outside walking when the camera went by. I checked her block and all around the Empire State Building, where she worked. I didn't find my mom. At one point I found that each view is dated and a new search option meant I could look at views from each year dating back to 2007. I looked at views from 2007 through 2012. If I looked at views from after June 2012 that would have been obsessive and  . . .weird.

If I found her after June of 2012 that would have been . . . scary.

Have you ever found someone you know when looking at a street view on google.maps?



Mannie said...

I'm sorry for your recent loss. 12 years on from when my mother died, I usually think about the day when it arrives, but once in a while I forget, I take that as a positive sign. As for Google street view, yes my nephew and a family friend were photographed walking together, But I was told about that, I doubt I would have actually looked up the street they were walking on (this was before they started blurring out faces).

Karen said...

Ah! Google blurs out your face if you are on camera.

But I admit, I lost a friend in a tragic accident, last year, who liked to garden a lot. I park my car at their house and even before he died, the whole family used to laugh about where my car was parked in google street view. I went back to see if I could find my friend. Never did. I felt a little weird doing so, but figured it was just my way of trying to connect to him one last time.

You are right, grief comes and goes in cycles. Feeling your feelings, riding the waves of the cycle without over eating... that's a lot of pain. Kudos to you for not numbing it out with food.

Just past the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's passing. Spent today with my Mom and saw the rest of my family. Sometimes tough, sometimes happy.