Today the dam burst and I let it out. The emotional pain has been building up for a long time. Several times over the past two weeks I have thought to myself 'I need to get alone time so I can have a good cry.' - I kept putting it off, putting it off.
Finally today I broke down and cried. My adult daughters had to sit and watch mommy crumple up and sob uncontrollably as I repeated over and over again "I can't, I can't I just can't take IT anymore." They let me get it out.
What is it?
It is nothing and everything. Nothing in particular on one side; dirty floors, car repairs, travel plans, shopping, unknown entities and well known situations on the other. The tears flowed and with them came out the truth: I have been trying to juggle, balance and control too many things. The tears helped me accept the truth. Not only can't I keep all the balls in the air at one time, the balls are not all mine to control. Somewhere I took a little too much upon myself and kept adding to it until I ran around frantically trying to do more, give more, sacrifice more and all the time I was depleting what I need to keep myself whole.
Thank God for a good cry, a good therapist and a few good people to share things with. The balls are all on the ground tonight. Tomorrow I will pick some up, but not too many. some I will brush aside and leave for someone else to claim. Others may have to stay on the ground because no one else wants to take care of them. That does not mean I have to make them part of my balancing act. Not anymore.
On the glorious plus side I am still food sober today. The act of overeating or sampling any of my binge foods did not play any part in today's drama. That is my miracle of the day. It is the ball I hold on to no matter what.
Tomorrow will be a better day.