Monday, May 25, 2015

Crash and a Slow Burn Part I

I have a lot to write but the subjects are varied and I do not want to vomit them all out in one long rambling post. I am going to do this bit by bit or byte by byte, as this is electronic reading.

This is Part I

When I last blogged it was April 20th and I had been experiencing an emotional day in an emotional month on the heel of an emotional year. My body was crying out for relief from the stress that was building up. My mind was. too. My soul was desperate. I was ignoring all the signs.

I celebrated 365 days sugar free in late February and then started a decent into hell (slow burn) by picking up more and more wheat and milk fat. I 'used' these to stay away from sugar. "Use" is still using . . . even if it wasn't sugar.

Finally, on April 21st (the day after my last blog post), I picked up sugar. Don't ask what I was thinking when I did that. There was no conscious thought or decision. There was no resignation, no 'I give up,' - nothing. One minute I was 418 days sugar sober and the next minute I was putting a spoon in my mouth with two kinds of sugar on it. An hour later I was buying and HIDING chocolate so no one in the house knew I was crashing. Then I threw out the chocolate. Picking up again on the 22nd. I was off the wagon and in the food gutter. I got clean for a week and then picked up again on May 2nd, May 3rd, 4th . . . another four days clean and then picked up again. Six days clean - picked up again.

I didn't get on the scale May 1st. I know from the fit of my clothes and the larger size I had to go out and buy: I am up over 20 pounds. Probably closer to thirty . . .or forty? Anything is possible. I was overeating (without sugar) in March and pretending I was okay. I was in denial about the weight and the food I was consuming. I fell into the 'as long as it's not sugar trap."  I just bought larger clothes and stayed clear of the scale. I am wanting to be keeping the pounds off but today I cannot claim all 200 of them.

Today is May 25th. I am clean today and very aware that this tiny bit of time back in sober eating is not going to sustain me if I do not put in the work. I have a lot of work to do to stay that way. Today I am willing to do it. You deserve an update and now you have it. I believe I have been truthful in everything written here and will continue to do so as I write each day.

The fight to stop the disease of food addiction from taking away the life I love begins again.

If Sugar is the poison, Denial is the murderer.  I can't afford to be in denial any longer.

I'll post more updates from the last three months all this week.



Michael Prager said...

Sad to hear about this, but glad to know. I can relate. There are so many ways in which I have made something "OK" when it just wasn't, and it never led in a good direction. Rather than taking the pressure off, it just made one more instance of erosion the norm, another brick out of the wall.

Dee said...

This post really resonated with me. I am two days "clean" (after a crash and burn following six days without sugar). Good for you for getting back on the wagon. You did it once and you'll do it again!

FredT said...

Welcome to my spluttering style of recovery. I have never yet taken back sugar or wheat intentionally, but other "foods" come and go. Sugar and wheat are just not human foods, in my mind. That is one of the concepts that keeps me from descending deeper into the hell that is relapse.

I wish you persistence and perseverance in your search for recovery. My recovery is in the stage of "search for a all consuming purpose for the remainder of my life" stage.

Jane Cartelli said...

Thank you everyone for the supportive comments and acceptance. I have re-read these three comments several times and I find little nuggets of help from all three.