Friday, October 13, 2017

Death is Pissing Me Off

Wednesday:
My brother is gone. His heart is still beating. A machine helps him breathe. His brain scan shows almost no activity. Brain-stem is functioning. He does not respond to any stimuli. As a diabetic kidney dialysis patient without a spleen, he is prone to infections. One got into his blood, into his heart, and infected blood was stuck there, forming a globule (a clot mixed with yuck). This then broke apart and two pieces went to two different areas of his brain, causing the severe damage.  That part of his brain is dead. Doctors say to wait 48 hours. They will continue medications, dialysis and in 2 days they will have a better idea which way he is going. I know he is going towards the light.

Friday:
MRI shows blood clots all over the brain, like a meteor storm, the doctor said. There are other blood clots in his body. His heart still beats. It does not know how to stop. Stanley has been fighting his physical maladies for many years. Three times over those years, we were told to prepare ourselves for the end and three times he proved he was stronger than death. This time we are sure he wants to go, that he is already gone. The papers are being signed today. DNR/DRI. No more dialysis. He will go naturally and with all the dignity we can give. His body might let go today or it could hold on for a week or two. His kidney failure is a level 4-5, so it probably will not be that long.

Even though I know he is really gone already, I asked my sister to hold her phone to his ear so I could tell him he is the toughest SOB I have ever known. He is strong and I am so proud of him for fighting all these years, but now it is time to rest and let us take up the work. He has places to go and people to see. Pop is waiting for him on the other side.

Knowing my zany brother, Friday the 13th as the Date of Death on his Death Certificate, would make him happy. If his body does not let go today then Halloween, just because he would have really loved that, but I don't think it will be that long.

He is only 46 years old. Death is pissing me off.

I did not overeat today. I did not eat the foods that bring me to my knees.

It doesn't matter, but really, it does.

Jane~

2 comments:

Karen said...

I’m sorry for your loss. 46 is so young. I’m glad you are choosing food within your template. It does matter. Glad you are honoring that.

Vickie said...

My prays are with you during this really difficult time.